Imagine if the royal family called an urgent press conference

All the nations press are there and the queen walks to the front slowly, using a walking stick and looking really frail. She stares in front of her for a few seconds, and it looks like there’s a tear in her eye. Then she starts smoking a massive fucken bifta.

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To a sold out audience

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Prince George jumps up and asks for some reggae.

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Goes full Wonka.

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The Queen Which one is Simon Bird [Daily Mirror’s north-east football writer]?

SB Me.

The Queen You’re a cunt.

SB Thank you.

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I’ve seen the Queen’s greenhouse. (Did not spot any weed in it, though)

I like the queen the queen smokes green

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