Jokes workshop

I tried speed dating for the first time. I’ve been awake since last Wednesday

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A really high quality CGI animation about a Glaswegian who gets roped into parking cars at work even though they can’t drive.

Ah Cannae Valet

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This would work better if Dizzy Gillespie was the lead singer of Primal Scream.

How about:

A famous jazz trumpeter goes to his doctor and complains that he can’t stand up straight. The doctor says, “Don’t worry about it, you’re just Dizzy, Gillespie.”

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Something about Wimbledon, Venus and serena and an American playwright

The punchline is Tennisey Williams

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Have you heard about that new play? A Streetcar Named…Venus, is it? No, Serena I think.

It must be one or the other, as it’s Tennessee Williams.

Years ago I had a friend who was into birdwatching, and from chatting to him I stumbled upon the nugget that were British birds called Wheatears and Chiffchaffs. “Well,” I said, “that should sort the wheatears from the chiffchaffs!”

For ten years or so I have been searching for a set-up worthy of this punchline.

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When I was a lad, my father was the finest battery salesman in the land. He was beloved by his customers and his staff, and I knew that one day he would hand his business over to me. However, his brother was a jealous man, and had him killed in a horrendous accident. He vowed that I would never take on the family business, and so I left, finding myself happy drifting through life, getting high and chilling out with a bunch of other relaxed bros.

My peace was shattered one afternoon when a girl I used to go to school with showed up out of nowhere, and announced that the battery business was in terrible trouble - the staff were being mistreated, the customers were unhappy, and they wanted me to come and take over the board. I initially didn’t want to leave my life of ease, but I was convinced by her argument and, joined by my new friends, I set out to see what I could do about my uncle.

I was dismayed when we arrived back at the offices - everything was in disarray, and my uncle was just lolling around in my father’s old chair, content to let his new employees push everyone around. I threw him out, having found my father’s old will that declared that I was the rightful inheritor of the business. As I sat down in the old black swivel char that had been my fathers, I felt a great sense of contentment that I was, again, at last, and forever, the Li-Ion King.

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How long do you reckon before you find one?

I don’t care if it takes me another ten years, I will not rest until I find it.

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Reminds me of that joke about Humphrey Bogart and the lead singer of The Strokes.

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Oooooooooooooooooooofffffffffffffffffft (1/6)

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Initially thought ‘tl:dr’ and then against my better judgement went back and read it. Probably my biggest regret ever now

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I was proud of one thing; that, as a joke. That alone. No, that is forever.

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That’s a favourite of mine, but with the punchline “the comedown was terrible”

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this made me think of an idea for a joke about sonic the hedgehog going speed dating which I really do not like whatsoever

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Totally unprepared for that awful joke.

don’t think I was ever ready to be honest

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I am very happy it has gone over so well

It was bad, but it wasn’t totally unenduracell

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Something about being arrested by the “grammar police” and conjunctional visits

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Something like:

So, you’ve fought in eight separate military campaigns across six countries and have been specifically commended for your bravery.

What do you want: a medal?

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