Jokes workshop

Why is your iphone so cold?

Cos I’ve got 50 windows open

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Something about…

I was in a discount bookshop the other day and noticed someone who wasn’t looking at the books at all, he was just looking at his phone and sending lots of dodgy emails.

That was a spammer in the Works.

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This has been bugging me for nearly a fortnight, now. Had the kernel of an idea a week ago. Let’s see if I can put something together…

…so, like I say, I live in quite a bohemian part of town. And, unfortunately, the recent sports day at my local school was on the verge of being cancelled.

No, not like that. :clown_face: :drum:

Seriously though, the teachers are all very dedicated. Sometimes it’s a bit OTT though, I think. Knowhattimean? Seems like nothing’s ever too much for the pupils. Anyway, due to inclement weather and a water-logged playing field, this sports day was pretty much a write off.

The pupils were in floods. Literallly. :clown_face: :drum:

It all got sorted in the end though. They decided to have an indoor sports day. There was no rope climbing or badminton going on, though. No indoor gym or any of that. The all ended up playing games on their free iPads. E-sports, they were calling it. I know. right…

A very different kind of E to what we had back in the day, amirite? :clown_face: :drum:

At least in our day we were all hugging each other, whereas the youth of today are all sat on their backsides. Fixated. Not a word shared between them…

Anyway. At the end of this so-called sports day. Despite them all just being glued to their screens, inside, due to a little bit of rain, the school insisted on awarding prizes. Prizes for playing Space Invaders and Sonic the Hedgehog or whatever it was. And get this. They gave awards out, not just to the winners. The one’s with the high score, or whatever. They were handing them out to ALL the kids!

Precipitation certificates, I think they were calling them.

Thangyouverymuch. I’ve been TheWza, and you’ve been an audience. Have a safe journey home. GOODNIGHT! :palm_down_hand: :microphone:

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The brief was “precipitation prize”

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You picky fecker.

That’s you being scrubbed from the co-writing credits.

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I hate you. :wink:

I like it, but wouldn’t that make it hot?

Do you open the windows in your house to make it hotter?

We’re on holiday, my 7yr old just said “I can’t find my watch, I think I might have dropped it when I went for a poo”
I replied “well that’s one way to pass the time”

Feel like there’s a joke there but needs a good starting line.

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“Doctor, I accidentally swallowed my watch!”
“Well, just wait and time will pass.”

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This pooey watch. Was it digital, or anaLOGue?

Hmmm.

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-I’ve got a story about someone who pooed a watch.
-Oh. Is this something that happened to you?
-No, I only heard it second hand.

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Grandma is talking to someone about her grandsons recent holiday to Amsterdam, she says he must have driven past some royalty because he said he passed the duchess on the left hand side

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Something about getting to Denmark and back

https://community.drownedinsound.com/t/halifax/76442/2

How do you make a spring roll?

Push it.

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No notes.

Been trying to make “you won’t get to Devon with an ak 47” work for years now. Has never raised so much as a smirk. Any tips welcome.

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How do you make wontons?

Get twotons and cut them in half.

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My washing machine came last in the tour de France.

It only works on a short cycle

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See, case in point: these last three are better than the cheetah one

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they might do, the jungle is massive

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