Jokes workshop


#81

Had a game of footers with that track and field athlete from the Santander adverts in Norn Iron the other day and she was pulling out stepovers, rainbox kicks, the whole shebang.

Enniskillen?

Like a Sheffield Ronaldo she was.


#82

“I remember back in the early noughties going on the pull with a then-Radio 1 hip hop DJ in a seaside village on the north coast of Devon.”

“Westward Ho!?”

“No, he was a perfect gentleman and seemed to be looking for genuine romance.”


#83

This is brilliant! :heart:


#84

Why was the large egg shunned?

Because it was ostrich-sized.


#85

I was in the pub last night and a man walked in with a newt on his shoulder. “Is that a newt?” I asked him.

“Yes it is, his name is Tiny.” the man replied.

“Why Tiny?” I asked.

“Because he’s my newt.”


#86

Not helpful for your joke, but a quick peak at my last.fm


#87

been working on this for a while. please be kind.

I’m going shopping for a small guitar today, they can be quite hard to find.
Oh, Uke hunt?
Well really!!!

Not sure how to finish it. Basically the premise is “Uke Hunt” = “You cunt”.


#88

Yes.


#89

OK so there’s this judge and he’s on a plane, and there’s something about his seat choice, and… no I can’t get there.


#90

Yoda gets on a plane. The stewardess asks him if he knows where his seat is.

“The aisle behind aisle of ‘T’”

“Aisle of ‘U’?”

“KEEN, YOU ARE.”


#91

Is Yoda a judge?


#92

He is not. This is based purely on the word ‘aisle’.


#93

Aisle be the judge of that.


#94

Arnie gets on a plane and says "where am I sitting asshole?"
The stewardess says "Aisle B, Back"
Arnie says “eh?”


#95

How has this joke not actually found its way into one of his films? In fact are you sure it hasn’t? I can see them actually inserting a plane scene just to do it.


#96

Because it doesn’t make sense. The scriptwriter probably realised it as they were typing. Like I did.


#97

It makes plenty enough sense for an Arnie film.


#98

“Hey supermarket worker, where are the carrots?”
“Veg is onAisle B”
“Where is that?”
“At the rear of the shop.”
“Oh? Aisle B Back”
“Piss off Arnie”


#99

Something about putting great composers into a plan seating plan? Mozart in the window seat, Beethoven in the middle and the Aisle be Bach.


#100

this bloke is going into hospital for an operation, he starts asking everyone involved with the surgery if he can do their job instead -
to the porter “can i push the bed down through the swingy doors?”, "don’t think so, pal"
to the nurse “can i prep the area for incision?”, "no i’m afraid not sir"
to the surgeon “can i make the first cut?”, "absolutely not, that’s absurd"
to the anesthesiologist “…”, “aye, go on. knock yourself out”