Jokes workshop


Stole a load of turn-based military board games yesterday. I’ve always been something of a Risk-taker.


And simultaneously a more holey habit


Something about being on a drip but all the efforts being in-vein?


Got offered a place on clinical trials of an experimental new life-saving treatment the other day. Unfortunately I can’t take pills, though, so it would all be in vein.


Almost, but not quite.


my friends and I are discussing Hot Snakes in advance of Thursday’s gig

one friend said “I have two Hot Snakes CDs”

to which I responded, “is there an audit of your Hot Snakes CDs in progress?”

I demand plaudits


what do you call a supermarket with an ice cream on its head?

A cor-netto

(Audience cries with laughter)



Can someone help me out and work guacamole into a reply to this?


Too late I’ve fucked it


I’ve been working on my collection of penises but I keep losing the ends. Got any tips?


Been working on a joke about the North Korea situation. Here goes:

Following the success of Dennis Rodman’s diplomatic visits to North Korea, the American’s are now considering sending a famous indie musician over to speak to the Supreme Leader. They’re hoping for a Kim deal.


this “joke” is good for another 15 minutes:

“April is indeed the cruellest month”

**New** Mental Health Thread (2018)

Tell you what, I’m glad my penis doubles back on itself.

How come?


Something along these lines (it only ‘works’ if you know a bit of history):

“Have you heard that, in honour of the upcoming Royal Wedding, The Queen has ordered that all the men of England from the Midlands up to the Scottish border have to change their name to that of the groom?”

“No! Really?”

“Yes. It is to be called ‘The Harrying of the North’.”


I’d be lying if I said I was working on this joke, but here are the two basic ingredients. I can’t really be arsed to think this through:

  1. @1101010


Theolennium Dome?


Very old school


Working on this one -

A man once told me Mumbai is in the North East of India… I told him no it’s not, you’re talking Utter Pradesh mate!


Did you hear about the guy who copied Rubens in mucous?

He was a Phlegmism Master.