Just lost my job designing temporary tattoos


I got fired from my job as a taxi driver because I only really know my way around one particular coastal town in kent.
I was dover-qualified


My contract for my role dismembering insects was terminated early, so I’m just living off my severance pay atm


Got fired from my forklift operator job for reversing over one of the warehouse lads. Anyway, it’s onwards and upwards, don’t look back, that’s what I say.


Just got fired from my job drawing chickens. It was between me and another guy, we both had the same skills so it was really just down to the cluck of the draw


Got fired from my job selling copies of Gustave Le Bon’s seminal 1895 work on collective psychology at a street stall for positioning myself too far across the pavement.

Apparently they didn’t want someone who stood out from the The Crowd.


Can I be banned please?


Impressed them at my last interview by applying DC power to a solenoid, which engaged the flywheel of a combustion engine, powering it through the first two strokes of its cycle and enabling the engine to sustain itself.

They said I was a dynamic self-starter.


All the other members of the Board of British Jewish Deputies have gone somewhere else.

I’m the only one left.


I accidentally sent two copies of my resumé when applying for a job recently. It all turned out OK in the end, though, as I think I impressed them with photos of my vintage Citroën collection at the interview.

They said I had the best 2CVs they’d ever seen,


Fuuucking hell.



I was let go from my job as a gardener after falling asleep on the job.

Deservedly so, I was resting on my laurels.


Decided to give up my job as a golfer after I was given a four-iron to get the ball into the hole on an uphill lie.
I said “I’m not putting up with this!”


Decided to leave the gang of outlaws that I was riding with when I was a cowboy.
I knew when I wasn’t wanted.


Got fired as head of membership acquisition at the Labour Party, for only allowing pregnant women and midwives to join.


Lost my job as a dinner lady after the school were forced to outsource the provision of meals and playtime supervision to a private contractor. I try not to get upset about it, it’s just playground politics after all.


Was forced to put my astronomical phenomena manufacturing business into liquidation after my accountant found a massive black whole in the balance sheet.


Was working on the Dwight D Eisenhower election campaign of 1952 when I became fed up with his natural aptitude for using words and ideas in a quick and inventive way to create humour.

Ike wit.


I’ve decided to give up my job as a member of Man United’s current squad as I’m fed up with my role as a talented and much liked Spanish midfielder.

I’m Mata here.


Lost my job as a milkman after delivering bottles past their best before date.

That left a bitter taste in the mouth.


Couldn’t believe it when I was fired from the Red Devils for taking too long over my pre-jump preparations in the plane. They couldn’t push me out the door fast enough.