Kids Say The Funniest Things

…amongst a lot of really dull stuff admittedly.

Anyway, I was on a train to London Bridge yesterday and a bloke got on with his daughter, perhaps about three, and the conversation went like this:

Dad: Let’s play the animal guessing game. I’m thinking of an animal.
Kid: Is it a triceratops?
D: No.
K: Does it live in a jungle?
D: No.
K: Does it live on a farm?
D: Yes.
K: What colour is it?
D: Well they come in many colours, but the one I’m thinking of is black and white.
K: Is it zebras?

This was entertaining enough for me on my morning commute. I’ll hold my hands up and admit it’s not a routine that’s quite ready for Night at the Apollo just yet, but still.

Tell me amusing things you’ve heard kids say.


I’m sat on the bus, it stops and I see a Dad carrying his little girl off the bus.

Little Girl: Bums!!!
Dad: Shhh, no, no… don’t say that.
LG: Haha BUMS!!!
D: Ugggh.

Yaay! Bums!


They don’t though do they or all our stand ups would be children
(another priceless snippet from the Ruffers variety comic set)


Reminds me. I was walking home down my street the other week, and coming towards me was a little girl on a scooter, leading (I presume) her grandparents. As she got to me she said “Whose daddy are YOU?”

To which I had no satisfactory answer.


Less funny and more “heartwarmingly endearing” but I took my wee niece and nephew to the Natural History Museum a few weeks back and watching my nephew’s little cogs turning when he asked questions about what he was seeing was too adorable for words.

First of all he said to me on the train there “Why is a dead whale called a skeleton?” and I explained to him that skeletons are just what we call the bones that are inside animals and us and that and watching him process that as we went round looking at the other stuff with him asking “Is that dead then?” and “So that skeleton was a bird (or whatever) before it died?” and him repeating that for every thing we saw for about twenty minutes before it finally clicked and he’d then start telling me “that’s a skeleton, it’s from a horse (or whatever) that died”. It was so lovely to see him visibly coming to an understanding about a thing. I love kids, they are the best.


I think I dealt with this to be fair. Their fatal flaw is that the gems are submerged in a large torrent of poor quality work. A bit like Count Arthur Strong only with the inclusion of some gems.


Was having a pint in a beer garden at a pub near Alexandra Palace and some lad said…
Kid “Daddy - are we in a garden centre?”
Dad “Errrr - yeah”


I’m awfully sorry colin but I am not here to read

29 he was!


My mates kid was presented his dinner a while ago and he just examined it, went all quiet, and said “Hmm - i think i’ll just go on the naughty step”


my boy exclaimed very loudly whilst in Sainsburys once, “Daddy, that woman’s bottom is huge”

had to move away from the scene quite rapidly. She definitely heard…


when my daughter was about 5 or 6 her mum presented her with some (pretty grim looking, she’s a terrible cook) homemade vegetable soup.

She gingerly took a mouthful then said “mmmmmm, it’s tooooo nice. Could I have a sandwich instead?”

was worth a try I guess



When my mate was a toddler her family moved into a new house with some sort of bad history and her religious parents got a priest round to bless it. She’d just learned the word “bugger” and decided it was the perfect time to show everyone her new skill, repeatedly and loudly.

overheard a few #makeuthinks on public transport recently

“is it dark now?” (it wasn’t)
“mum is it tomorrow now?” (it wasn’t)

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Has he twigged that there’s a skeleton inside of him? That still does my nut in tbf

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Yeah, he kind of took that in his stride when I told him which surprised me

I did something similar when I was a kid - asked my mum why the binman was so fat (though I don’t think he heard).

Not sure if I’ve mentioned it, but have just moved house. My 3 year old.

kid:where’s the lego
me:In one of the boxes
me:In one of the rooms, I’m not sure mate there’s a lo…
kid:which room?
me:I’m not sure right now we…
kid:for goodness sake
walks off

He didn’t learn that off me though because I swear properly

Find the fucking LEGO for the kid you monster