Eldest daughter skinned her knees aged about two and then looked down at them aghast, JAM IS COMING OUT OF ME!
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My heart!
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Youngest daughter when she was about 4 in the chip shop whilst examining the man who was serving us DAD DAD WHY DOES THIS MAN HAVE WOOL UP HIS NOSE?
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literally living in a house of boxes. 90% of which are his shite! He’s also not really allowed the lego, and therefore asks for it at every opportunity that he senses fatigue and weakness
not allowed lego ?!
This isn’t making you come across any better
he’s only just turned 3, not really allowed it unsupervised. He’ll seem like he is ready and then other day I caught him seeing how far he could shove toilet paper up his nose, so…
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Let he who is without sin cast the first stone…
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Well come on, don’t leave us in suspense!
ah I see. Maybe bit little for the proper stuff.
Nephew (aged 3) decided to helpfully tell the teenage girl behind the counter at River Island that she had a tooth missing (she just had a gap between her front teeth).
Cue me telling him not to pass remarks about people, him not understanding what he’d done wrong, the girl turning bright red and completing the transaction in silence.
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My mate’s four year old son incorrectly identified wolves as being a Jungian archetype. Fucking idiot.
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With my niece (about 7 at the time) walking down the promenade at Sidmouth beach. They do these boat tours out into the sea and as a load of people were getting off there was a loudspeaker announcement advertising the next tour.
Niece: “Joe pleeeease can we go on the boat?”
Me: “No the people who go on those boat tours are losers let’s go get some ice cream”
Niece: jumps up on railings and leans over “LLLLOOOOOOSERS!!!”
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swearing in front of kids it not cool, but you’d be hard pressed to find a parent who hasn’t I imagine. Wasn’t sure whether to laugh or tell him off when the boy said to me “no you’re doing my fucking head in” after I snapped at him following persistent whining and whinging a while back. 
whoops.
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Changing my baby’s nappy with my wife’s 5 year old nephew watching with keen interest:
Nephew: “Is that his willy?”
Me: “Yep”
Nephew: peers closely and thinks … “Can we look at his bumhole?”
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I wish Antpoc was my Big Uncle Tone!
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that has done me completely.
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one to pass on to his best man one day for sure.
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oh god this has nearly set me off at my desk
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