David Beckham In… “Johnny B. Knighthood”!
DAVID BECKHAM is with his son, CREWE ODEON DURING A SCREENING OF TIMECOP (TIMECOP BECKHAM for short), concocting a plan at a rock and roll club…
DAVID: Right Timecop, did you ring up the Queen?
TIMECOP: Yep, dad, she should be on her way now.
DAVID: Fantastic!
TIMECOP: Dad, we aren’t going to Chessington World of Adventures, are we?
DAVID: I’m sorry son, I only lied to you because I love you. You know that.
TIMECOP: Well, I heard you talking to mom on the phone earlier and you told her you lied because this might be a felony and I won’t be tried as an adult because I am still technically a child.
DAVID: Yes, well… I don’t want you being tried as an adult because I love you. See? A lesser father would send his adult son into the gaping maw of the criminal underworld, but the worst you’ll get is probably a brief spell in juvey. It’ll be character building. (looks to camera) The kids now with the computer games. They give them trophies now and it makes them into terrorist sympathisers.
DAVID pauses for a moment to let his message sink in.
DAVID: Anyway, Timecop. She should be here soon. Let’s recap the plan, shall we?
Library music plays: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1A11jVKl6Sc
TIMECOP: Gee OK, dad. So we’ve invited the Queen to this rock and roll club, at which the clientele have been goaded by all loads of memes about how Kanye West isn’t real music… and, more to the point, at which the clientele are expecting a performance from the band Queen. So when the Queen comes up, the Queen fans will take out their rage and try to kill the Queen at which point YOU will rescue the Queen and then she’ll surely give you a knighthood!
DAVID: Exactly and because of post-truth all these people believe Freddie Mercury is alive and going to be performing with Queen at this show because we made a meme on MS Paint conveying information to that effect. OK, son. Let’s hustle
DAVID and TIMECOP wait in their respective positions, for the plan to be set into motion… the Queen enters stage left.
ROCK AND ROLL PATRON 1: Oi! That’s the Queen! As opposed to the rock and the roll band named Queen!
ROCK AND ROLL PATRON 2: I’ve bin swindled, 'ave I!! I ought to express myself through the medium of senseless violence!
ROCK AND ROLL PATRON 1: But hang on, that’s OUR Queen! The golden shining rose of our nation’s heart
ROCK AND ROLL PATRON 2: I’m conflicted and this is just exacerbating my violent tendencies
ROCK AND ROLL PATRON 1: I feel quite the same way now I think about it
The rock and roll patrons charge at OUR SOVEREIGN, and it is now DAVID BECKHAM’s time to shine like he did on the pitch on, I assume, a number of specific occasions throughout his illustrious sporting career. He jumps onto stage constructing a one-man wall between himself and the infumed music enthusiasts; he kicks at the insurgents with his football skills and he comes up with one-liners and/or ways to distract his foes by using all the skills he learned from Comic Relief and his mentor JAMES CORDEN from ‘Sherlock the Detective’. To cut a long story short, within five minutes, the entire club’s customer base are dead
QUEEN: Thank you David Beckham, if it wasn’t for you those ruffians surely would have minced my spleen for their sordid punk rock rituals
DAVID BECKHAM: I guess you could say that to-KNIGHT’s the KNIGHT for you, eh? (please note: he emphasised the sound ‘night’ through the method of screaming)
QUEEN: Oh I must say, Becks. This gives me something of an idea for who I should knight next
Time passes to whenever it is the QUEEN gives knighthoods and DAVID BECKHAM is watching the televised reportage
QUEEN: And now I bestow this knighthood on someone who recently saved my life.
DAVID BECKHAM: Here it comes yes
QUEEN: Yes the story involves being at a rock and a roll club recently
DAVID BECKHAM: There is no ambiguity whatsoever here as far as I am concerned
QUEEN: And I was reminded of the sixth studio album by Canadian musician Neil Young, released in 1975 on Reprise Records, catalogue MS 2221. The album Tonight’s the Night. I remember it coming out when I was 49 and it got me through those difficult teenage years and so I will knight Neil Young now. Thanks everyone
DAVID BECKHAM throws his flat cap to the floor in a huff
