Love-life spinoff thread: how you change in relationships


#1

see, I don’t have much experience of this, so I don’t really know. but I am very curious to hear people’s thoughts on this:

I guess part of it is in how the other person shapes you, how pliable and receptive you are to their influence?

but yeah, I would be more interested in the thoughts of people with more experience.


#2

Been in a relationship since I was 21 so quite hard to tell what is me changing due to being in a relationship and what is just growing up tbh. Would definitely think I was an awful prick if I met myself from then now, though


#3

In whichever room I like, she’s seen my bollocks enough times by now.


#4

Obviously can’t speak for others particularly, but I count myself incredibly lucky that the TV and I have grown together rather than apart from the age of 19 to 30. I think that probably reflects a shared set of core values, but no doubt we’ve also shaped each other during that time. Per @Aggpass, it’s hard to pick apart growing up from being impacted by the other person.


#5

Everyone changes. Every situation changes. One of the things I wish I’d learned earlier in life was acknowledging / accepting this.

Even if things don’t change - e.g. you both move into a flat and you’re still there three years later - one person could think that’s OK but the other could have ambitions for something more. Or if things do change - e.g. you move out of your rented flat into a mortgaged house, then one person could have concerns about how the bills are going to be covered, or might not want that sort of commitment.

In short, you can’t win. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Accept that and it’s downhill all the way :slight_smile:


#6

Everything changes but you. You know every single day I’ll be thinking about you


#7

yep, I think a major part of relationships us accepting the stuff that irks you on day one/the start of a relationship about someone is never going to change, can you live with it? great…or not - then learn to or don’t stick about.

me an MrS have been together 21 years this year, we’ve basically grown up together really, definitely agree with @AphexTwinkletoes if the key values and things you care about are the same you’re generally going to be OK.


#8

Think Aphex and aggpass have nailed this tbh.


#9

They make such a good couple


#10

Yep - 8 1/2 years for me and the other half. We’ve got a massive mortgage and a toddler, so hopefully we’re doing something right

edit : although we got together in our thirties, so maybe we’d done most of our changing?


#11

Their values have stood the test of time


#12

yeah, I’m sure. and although there are fundamental ways in which people won’t ever radically change, or perhaps only subtly, people are always growing.


#13

Yep, a relationship is more likely to highlight parts of someone’s personality than it is to bring about fundamental change


#14

:rofl:


#15

that’s an interesting thought. could you extend on it?


#16

maybe! nothing like having a baby/toddler to highlight differences and change you as well. I reckon if you can get them to school you’re OK…

I’ve definitely changed a lot since having kids, and then again since becoming a teacher - not just the scary teacher voice either :slight_smile: as has MrS - then you go through all those life changes of being middle aged which are kind of another hurdle.


#17

I’ve not mentioned this anywhere else, so this seems as good a place as any: yesterday was mine and my girlfriend’s ninth anniversary, and of course we’ve changed over that time. We would have changed anyway, but not necessarily in the same way.

Whether you grow together or further apart as that change happens is a mixture of luck and love and hard effort, really.


#18

Your fundamental personality traits are going to exist in or out of a relationship. Your values, tendencies towards altruism, selfishness, kindness, cruelty, willingness to try new things, introvert, extrovert… Those tendencies won’t change but a relationship is going to cause those tendencies to manifest in different ways.

To use an overly simplistic example of someone who is shy and introverted. Maybe the confidence and security of being in a couple makes you less shy and so you go out more. Maybe it means you stay in more because it makes staying in ‘acceptable’. It probably depends partly on the other person and their own personality. The inherent shyness isn’t going to go away but the relationship will bring it out or dampen it in some way.


#19

think i’m a better person for meeting my tv tbh, she has sorted me out


#20

I have a theory about relationships - I’m not 100% sure it’s true but I’m going to share it to see if anyone agrees

At some point in the 1st 6 months to a year of a relationship you will have falling out about something. It will be something fairly fundamental about how the 2 of you interact/ make each other feel .

You will continue to have that falling out for the remainder of your relationship. If this particular thing is something you can both live with/ resolve when it comes up then you are golden . If you can’t then that’s bad because it’s not going to go away. It might change form slightly but it’s always going to be there.