Make a personal plea to the algorithm

If you could sit down and have a chat with the algorithm, what would you ask it to change?

I would let it know that the reason I always watch the videos it suggests of Neymar being a petulant dickhead and of weird men in black gloves rubbing and flaming meat is because I hate them and there doesn’t seem to be any depth they can go to that I don’t want to witness to reinforce my hatred of them. It always makes me feel bad about the world and I’d like it if I didn’t see them anymore.

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To understand that just because I was once curious to watch a video of the best bowling shots, or a woman winning a darts contest, or to see what Jordan Peterson actually sounds like, doesn’t mean I want to exclusively watch those things for the next 1-4 months

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I would like it to understand that I do not want to follow any Crystal Palace or Everton fan sites and that they are not really ‘similar’ to all the West Ham ones I already follow.

How hard is it to understand that sport doesn’t work like that?

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Yeah basically if I tell YouTube not to show me a channel it will keep recommending me channels like that one. So yes all the right wing bullshit.

I’m a pretty decisive shopper - chances are I already bought one dickhead

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I would like it to know that when I viewed that thing and then didn’t buy it, there will have been a reason for that. There’s no point advertising the same exact item to me again for the next 6 months.

And also the standard, I’ve just bought (for example) pillows, you don’t need to keep advertising pillows to me, I’m not collecting them, in fact now is the least likely time for me to buy pillows

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Very much this. Whenever I check the lineup for Wolves v [whoever], Google then decides I want a notification of the lineup for [whoever] every week afterwards. Idiot computer.

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I fucking despise Rangers FC and soap operas. Also, how many times do i have to report Tory party political broadcasts as spam before you take the hint?

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Please stop showing me loads of transphobia first thing in the morning. Or at all. Thank you.

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The opposite for me. Whenever I play Microsoft solitaire the adverts at the side always seem to be dominated by weird clothing featuring tromp l’oeuil images of kittens trapped in my chest cavity or ankles

I am really not interested in random pages on Facebook that I haven’t liked.

I’m just not that interested in Instagram reels.

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Idk if this counts but when I search for clothes on Google, I do NOT want to purchase them from SHEIN, LightInTheBox, ManoMano or any of the other dodgy hyper-fast fashion sites, and it drives me nuts that there isn’t a way to filter them out

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I’d probably just check if they were OK tbh

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I’d say to all the other algorithms - “Be more like the TIDAL algorithm. That’s the one to aspire to”

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I will take the opposite of that please. If I looked at it but didn’t buy it, you bet your arse I’ll want it in a few week and not be able to find it. Show it again!!

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Look, I get it, I know, I am attracted to redheads but I have loads and loads of interests in lots of topics like films and football and all sorts of things. Please stop making me look like a pervert.

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Hey man

I’m pretty sure the singles of Bexley who are begging for NSA sex don’t look like supermodels. Think maybe you’ve been done there, Algo

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Pls stop showing me the faces and bums that people who i follow like. It’s creepy for the girls and it makes me feel ugly.

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just wish I could reset eg my Instagram reel thing. let me have a fresh start and curate it a bit, or at least say when I’m not interesting in something

(it’s all videos of dua lipa and it makes me feel like a massive pervert, don’t even know how it started, ffs)

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this feels a bit like that time that mp complained that he was getting porn advertised on the banner of the times.

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