Meetings of brand figures you would like to see happen

  • Alberto Balsalm to condition the beard of colonel Sanders
  • the Arm and Hammer arm to stroke the Andrex puppy

Mr Muscle to meet Barry Scott

All of the Oral-B Pro Expert Toothpaste ladies to meet each other

Tony the Tiger to fight the MGM lion

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The Richmond Sausage Boys to come home for the summer to see the Jolly Green Giant.


The Nike tick to anally penetrate Ronald McDonald

Katy and Jo Brand to row Russell down the Thames like a canoe

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The Compare the Market Meerkats and Gio Compario to fucking annoy the fuck out of each other for a change.

The Scottish Widow to ride about on the Lloyds horse, like Liv Tyler in lord of the rings.


Aunt Bessie hauling ass to lollapalooza with tony the tiger

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Did you know that one of the Scottish Widows was Roger Moore’s daughter?

This one:


Presumably she still is.

I did not know that. I’m sorry that he lost his child-in-law.

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We’re all someone’s daughter
We’re all someone’s son
How long can we look at each other
Down the barrel of a gun?

Mr tayto and Mr tayto Northern Ireland


About ten minutes?

Yeah, you go on about it all the time


Please feel free to use this fact next time you host a cocktail party.

I just might. Will have to invite some widows so I can arrive at the subject naturally.

Judging by the adverts it should be no issue getting hold of some in Scotland.