So there was me two hours ago, giving it the Barry Big Bananas about how I’m starting my day with meditation and aren’t I so zen and yada yada yada.
Stupidly, ten minutes before I stood in my kitchen and was listening to loud emo music and downing a red bull. Realised half way through that this was a bad idea, but I’d already committed by that point so finished it all hyped up. Sat down in front of my laptop ready to start and it was grand, the host said their calm words and stuff and then everyone muted themselves and it was meditation time, baby. Only, as soon as I shut my eyes the caffeine rush arrived, so I was tapping my foot and fiddling with a pen and stuff, thinking about how fun it would be to be at Legoland. Proper fidgeting, but figured everyone’s eyes were shut so it’s fine, no one can see me, NBD.
Anyway, get through it and it was share and reflect time. Cool, I can spout rubbish with the best of them (not that meditation is rubbish, it’s not at all, I mean I didn’t have any deep thoughts so was gonna have to wing it) so fine. Gets to my turn and I lean back and inhale as if I’m about to tell everyone the meaning of life, but I leant back on my pile of stuffed animals and suddenly hear this whirring noise. You can guess what I accidentally leant on. I sit on my bed for these meetings, and before they start I just shove everything on there under the pile of cuddly toys. So yeah, all these people heard was silence, then me inhaling and saying “WELL-” and then brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. They all knew, they could all hear. I tried to play it off, staring deadpan at the webcam and chatting rubbish about feeling serene as my left arm is desperately digging around to try and find it and turn it off. Proper Del Boy “play it cool, son. Play it cool.” stuff and failing miserably.
I’ve never been less relaxed in my life. God damnit.
