Hello, I think I’ll be much more comfortable in here than in the depression thread.
I’ve only very recently been introduced to the conceptual world of ‘neurodiversity’ by getting talking to people who are already invested and knowledgeable about it. Since I left my home town at 19, I’ve spent a lot of time and effort trying to figure myself out, but that was purely in terms of understanding the social and power dynamics, both in my (highly dysfunctional) family and in my social life (in which I unconsciously reproduced some of the family dynamics). In other words I’ve been trying to understand myself and my thoughts as a social phenomenon rather than a mental one. That’s been really useful to me and has allowed me to work through and understand some really difficult and complex things in sort of theoretical terms. But it’s never removed the fact that I feel completely isolated and incapable and ‘other’.
I always just assumed that I feel (and am) so different and find it so difficult to fit in because the unique family dynamics just created this fairly unique person with a strange way of looking at the world and themselves. I never felt like I fitted in to a particular ‘type’, particularly cos I never took into consideration anything other than depression when thinking about ‘neurodiversity’ (didn’t use that word at the time). I think I never thought about anything like autism or dyslexia or w/e because I always framed the ‘problem’ of my mental state as being something that I suffered from. So like, you suffer from depression, but you don’t suffer from autism, if that makes sense.
Anyway, while I think my original way of understanding myself is more nuanced and more accurate in a lot of ways, I’m really really fed up of always being in some sort of ‘liminal state’ between modes of being, and that applies in mental health and neurodiversity as much as in anything else. So I’m looking into types of neurodiversity and ways of seeking out help to look into how I might fit into particular categories. As much as anything, it would be such a relief to just be able to say to people “I have X or Y” when explaining why I am why I am, instead of having to be like “well I have a really complex and unpleasant history and it has effected me in this way and this way, sorry I’m explaining this terribly and you’re not understanding me at all” etc.
Sorry this was a stupid waffly post.