this is something I’ve felt a lot as I’ve moved around, but was particularly a problem in Berlin where I just felt totally alienated all the time. I had friends but nothing felt “real” I guess. Hopefully it’s something I will sort from moving back. I don’t really have any advice other than seeing where else you can improve in general and things like friendships and loneliness can change for the better. Good luck to you either way x
Hey Carmen. Don’t worry about thinking your own problems aren’t as serious/worthy as others… I felt like that last year as well! What’s important is that they’re real to you and affecting you. I think a lot of us can empathise with some of the feelings you’ve had about how you perceive other people to see you
It’s good that you’ve been trying things out as well to start to hopefully get past it. Really hope your local group pays off for you
Hey Carmen, I think this is a really common thing and I went through something quite similar years ago when a lot of my friends moved to London and I broke up with a boyfriend. The best thing I ever did was join a sports team, I automatically gained ready made friends and I think the difference between something like that and a meet up group is you’re actually active together and sharing experiences rather than just talking. Is there some kind of sport or arty activity you could take up? By the way you seem totally lovely and if I lived near you I’d want to be your friend so I don’t think this is your fault!
I’m in the exact same boat as you. I have 2 close friends that I see somewhat regularly, but they have a lot of other friends so I feel a bit like I’m a burden or they’d prefer to see other people more frequently than me (this is probably just anxiety) and I really long to have more friends. I feel I am boring or not very funny and when I speak to girls I see at the gym, it also seems superficial or they’re just being polite. I also don’t really know what to do about it or take it to the next step with some people I’m friendly with. I’m leaving the gym I go to a lot so I think i’ll struggle to even have small talk with people which makes me a bit nervous and upset and like i’ve missed my chance to make some more girl friends.
Where do you live btw?
Do you want to be my friend?
I should practice what i preach a bit more, but support groups can be a good way to meet new people and to sort of train yourself up in social situations. Going to a local social anxiety group helped me a few years ago. It’s kind of nice to be in a social situation that doesn’s revolve around alcohol. You can just sit and listen, speak if you want, then normally they’ll be less formal meetups outside of the group where those who want to can go and it can be a good way to meet people who feel like you do.
Yeah this is exactly it.
I’m so desperate to make friends that I place too much importance on every social interaction thinking “maybe this is finally my shot at having a friend!”, then I worry I’m gonna scare the person off and back off too much. I’ll avoid asking someone if they want to do something even if I think they might be interested because if I don’t ask then they can’t say no. The whole cycle fries my brain. Gonna keep trying though and I might look into some sort of more focused group like @laelfy mentioned.
Even with my besties who I’ve known for 12 years now I hardly ever initiate doing stuff because I assume that they’re too busy because of husbands/kids/having more friends than me. It’s silly but I totally get where you’re coming from.
I always think “maybe I should start some sort of run and brunch club” but then I’m like oh god no, no one will turn up!!
I feel particularly sensitive today so I’m really dwelling on that loneliness cause sometimes I feel like even my closest friend doesn’t even get me? So I have no hope for anyone else getting me.
I’m going to try harder tbh but I am worried about being knocked back. I have days where I feel PAINFULLY shy. Like I can’t even hold a conversation. I have to ask my boyfriend what I can talk about with strangers.
We need a women of DiS meet up…but I won’t even organise that cause I’m too scared!
Oh and there was a girl who I’ve seen at the gym who started doing this other class elsewhere and she’s really nice and we had a little joke and then cause our teacher tagged us in a group pic, I did some Instagram stalking and was just like “oh she has loads of girl friends already so no point pursuing that”
I’d love a DiS woman meet up!! I love all of you and I’m genuinely really sad you all live far away im always terrified no one will want to go to a meet up but selfishly I want to go so that’s why I have organised them
Do you reckon we could go away for a weekend somewhere? Too much?
Would be fun but it’s a question of organising, isn’t it?
Im just firing random thoughts into the universe.
That was my way of saying ‘yes please can we have a meet but can someone volunteer to organise it all’
Haha!! Oh no I totally get it. It would be a bit of a scary faff to organise. I reckon we could all do a good job of it tho
So I’ve been struggling quite a bit in recent months to get my head straight. I started a new job at the start of the year which I enjoy but has been incredibly stressful, and I’ve started to get increasingly anxious and worked up whenever I think about going in and it’s really taking it’s toll.
My mind feels really clouded, and I feel like I can’t focus or plan ahead properly at the moment: I just feel like I’m ghosting through days and not really getting the things I need to get done in my role done, which is contributing even more to the anxiety and stress. I’ve been called in for a meeting on Thursday to discuss some concerns with my recent performance, and I don’t feel I can cope with it. I know if I was feeling “normal” I’d be able to get the things done that needed doing, but am really finding hard to do so when my head is like this: it’s becoming a bit of a vicious circle. My wife has been very understanding, but because my work involves weird shift patterns (I’m a venue manager) it’s hard not seeing her much, and I’ve been increasingly isolating myself from my friends, and don’t really know how to turn this around.
Sorry, that’s a massive ramble, but this thing with Scott from FR has really shaken me today and figured it best to start being open and talking about these things before I internalise them more and get myself into a worse state.
That’s not rambling at all. I’m sure many of us reading your post can completely idenitfy and understand the ‘cloudy’ feeling in your head, being unable to focus and ghosting through your days.
Do you know what your employer is like in terms of understanding MH? I don’t know if you’re able to get into see a GP perhaps before Thursday but, speaking from experience, there’s been a couple of times where I’ve been called into meetings about performance at previous jobs and feeling at a loss to defend myself and try and come up with something that I know is bullshit, I’ve simply laid my cards on the table and been honest about what’s happening. Recognised that my I haven’t achieved what I might - what I want to - but it’s not through fecklessness or idleness but because of stress, anxiety and depression and that I’m either actively seeking - or going to seek - help.
It’s taken a fucking big deep breath before doing so and ends up with me not always successfully blinking back the tears but ultimately, I come away feeling as though a little bit of a weight has been lifted.
I’m pleased that you’ve felt able to open up a little, we all know what a huge step that is in itself and hopefully you’re able to recognise that for what it is if not now then in the future that it’s a real positive. The things with Scott from FR has hit me like a freight train as well…
It’s good too that you’re able to be open with your wife. That’s absolutely crucial, man.
I wish you all the best - as ever, my PMs are always open if ever you want to unleash, spew words or pick my largely useless brains.
We’re all rooting for you - take good care mate.
Sorry I haven’t really contributed much in here recently or on DiS in general, feel a bit guilty about that. Will try harder soon!
Sending you all positive thoughts and hope you can all face the challenges in your lives at the moment with confidence and love x
Thanks man, it means a lot.
I won’t be able to get to my GP before Thurs, but I’m going to make an appointment: I’ve put it off again and again but I think I should probably make the effort this time. Thanks for all the advice: it’s genuinely helpful, along with a lot of the other things in this thread it’s just helped me realise that I need to take care of myself a little bit better and not hide away from it.
Not really sure about how my employer is with MH issues: I haven’t been with them long, but the people in the company all do seem to want to be as helpful as possible. My line manager is around today, and I’m going to have a wee chat with him if I can and take your advice: I think it’s best I’m as honest as possible with what I’m struggling with.
Thanks again, it really is appreciated.
Good luck! Hope it takes a little of the weight off.
Is the group Girl Gang Leeds. They seem sound from what I’ve seen.