Hey weeber, something similar happened to me, in 2011 my dad died very suddenly of a heart attack despite being in his mid fifties and fit. My stupid student self had barely seen him that year and my phone was off so I didn’t even find out until 2 days later when I switched it on and called the numbers that had blown up my phone. It’s 7 years ago but stuff like father’s day is still hard and I physically avoid the gift aisles in the supermarkets etc but over time, it really does get easier. Things like grave tending too can be therapeutic, it’s nice to be able to “visit” your loved one even if it’s just a grave but so many people don’t even have that so it’s something I’m grateful for. I know my mum gets a lot of solace from looking after the grave too, for her mum and brother’s graves as well. Ive found therapy kind of unhelpful because I fully blame myself for being shit with contact while I was at uni, so therapy hasn’t worked at all but for others it really can - what I did instead when I felt horrific was call bereavement lines or Samaritans and talk to someone who doesn’t know me. Macmillan should have one! I think the best thing with a sudden death is to just be good to yourself and others, it’s so easy to forget our mortality but at least i leaned to be closer to my loved ones as a result, so something came out of it. Sorry I don’t know if this is helpful at all but hopefully little bit could be. Hope you’re okay
I think it’s important to shake off the notion that earning more money or having a ‘better’ job makes people happy. It doesn’t. In fact, a lot of time it involves more stress and makes them more miserable. There are two sides to every argument. Very few people find a happy balance of reasonable workload, scope for progression, good pay, suitable hours, mental stimulation and working with nice people. Jobs are virtually always money in lieu of not having one or quite often more of the above.
Also, it’s easy to forget, but it’s only really been our generation who’ve had this concept of it being completely normal to move out in your late teens and to have a mortgage by your mid-twenties. Quite a chunk of our parents generations would have lived at home until they got married, and when they did the financial burdens were incomparable. I moved out at about 17, but moved back, then moved out at about 21, but moved back, then moved out again. Having that support network’s a positive thing in tangible ways and only a negative in your anxieties.
In terms of jobs, i’ve had similar worries. I’m in a position where i can’t work full-time and the only realistic type of work which will cater to the sort of hours i can do are warehouse or retail jobs i’m overskilled for. It’s a bit deflating, but i honestly think people are far too busy dealing with their own shit to care. If it’s someone whose opinion i value they’ll know why i’ve had to change job. If it isn’t they’d take away much more from how content or unhappy i seemed in the job than what the duties actually were.
I personally think bar work’s pretty cool. Guess it depends on where you’re working, but going off most of the people who work in bars near me, a couple of who are my pals, they’re generally much more laidback and interesting than i am. I’d do it in a shot if i wasn’t a bit more uptight.
Bar work is probably the fastest possible route to new opportunities of one sort or another
Sorry to hear that you went through that JB. It’s hard not to sound trite with things like this - but you really mustn’t beat yourself up.
Absolutely this. We buried my dad in a natural burial ground (woodland setting, wicker casket, a tree planted instead of a headstone), It’s a genuinely lovely, peaceful place; and my mam takes great pride in tending to ‘our’ patch of it. I often find myself conversing with the tree.
My dad’s grave is similar, it’s so quiet and open you wouldn’t believe it’s in London, plus there are loads of ducks which is nice. I’m glad that you and your mum have that, it’s definitely something that helps!
After a couple of weeks of being pretty low, I’m starting to feel a bit better about myself and a bit clearer headed again.
I’d also add that having the sort of life @rich-t refers to above is no guarantee of good mental health either. You can have an amazing family, house, secure well paid work and brilliant kids while still believing you’re worthless and don’t deserve them. The irrationality of it is an absolute fucker, but it’s made me realise that finding a sense of myself and understanding who I am is far more important for sorting my MH than any amount of salary etc.
Thanks (again) all!
I’m going to be working at a friend’s place, only issue is I’m going to have to commute for a while and crash at friends, but it’s well paid and a nice bar so hopefully worth it.
It has been good having my parents around but there is this nagging feeling of “why did I leave” and “what on Earth do I do next” that’s floating around just now.
bar work, not to harp on about it, is SO good for solving existential crises of any sort, too. just because you invariably discuss life with 10s/100s of people over time and it’s a pretty helpful mirror
yeah, maybe, I’ve had a worrying pattern of leaving jobs due to anxiety over the last couple years though. The fact that a mate is the manager of this one fills me with a bit of hope at least of understanding
I quite enjoyed working the bar at the football club a few years back, but there’s no way I could do it now. Too much talking to strangers
all the best shit that’s happened to me in the past half decade has come about thanks to talking to people i didn’t know for the hell of it. strangers for the win <3
You’re right of course, but still…
hey i was a stranger and now look at us!
Now I drive the school bus!
Ah, but you’re an internet stranger. They’re completely safe as far as I understand it
(We’re getting off topic here - hope everyone’s having a good MH afternoon.)
Just had a very very angry meltdown yay. Trying to order my furniture from IKEA but my card issuer declined because it thought it might be fraudulent, leading IKEA to lock my order (has been locked for over four hours now). Tried to do a live chat to get it unlocked and the “customer service” person just said “we can’t do anything about it, just try later” and then disconnected the chat as I was responding.
I get that in light of some of the things posted in this thread recently this is the most impossibly trivial thing ever, but it just made me completely lose it, which it turns out is a very bad thing when you have an array of tools in front of you from trying to assemble a storage unit with too few screws and too small holes.
Can’t seem to calm down at all so have just decided to get drunk instead.
(Almost just broke my phone from throwing it across the room because the swipe typing keeps coming up with the wrong words.)
I’m not normally like this at all and I hate it.
Hey pm it’s totally okay to feel like this and emotions no matter what are valid so it’s all good! Sorry to hear that Ikea have been such dicks about your order, their customer services phone line has been helpful before so possibly could be better than their live chat? They also play loads of abba songs on their hold music which is quite sweet. Hope you feel better soon! You’re sorting this all out on your own which is brilliant and something that loads of people struggle with and that’s without any mh stuff to contend with, so that’s already great and hopefully they’ll be better over the phone and get this sorted for you!
how you are feeling is completely valid and you are absolutely allowed to feel like this from seemingly little things
very trite point but we are all different. things that other people would find horrible I dont really mind but I feel really really uncomfortable and uncontrollably angry if someone eats a packet of crisps next to me on the train.
hope things go ok and Ikea and the bank buck up their ideas! xxxx
Thank you. I’ve calmed down now and will just forget about it for a few days before trying again. I’ve managed five months with one piece of furniture upstairs, another couple of weeks isn’t going to hurt.