I would also be up for getting involved with this
@ghostpony @incandenza also I know it’s a completely separate point but it’s worth saying - please never forget you guys are so so beautiful on the inside regardless of how you might feel on the outside ️ gbol
walking home just now, I don’t think I’ve ever walked so slowly. if there was a button I could have pressed that would have taken care of it for me, I would have pressed it.
when I left the house earlier, I felt a brief reprieve. it was so warm and beautiful. I put on some music I hadn’t listened to before and felt a connection to it. at the train station, I recognised a certain anxiety rising in me to share the beauty I had felt, and realised I didn’t need to share. that I could feel it all by myself, and feel good to be myself, I suppose because I no longer had any belief in anything I could really desire, and as such felt a break from the part of myself that loathes myself.
not much sooner than I’d gotten to the gig I was off too, in the company of others, that epiphany started to fade. now all I have is the dread of waking up tomorrow.
thank you @Flashinglight @deadonthestairs @bugduv @weeber @shrewbie @TKC @shes_so_high @Tuna for your replies, by the way. I wish I had it in me to reply to each of you. I feel like I’m letting you all down by not finding hope in your words, even though that’s a silly thing to think.
I do find consolation, and I feel less alone.
Ffs I’m literally crying about leaving Berlin/my masters now why the fuck can’t I ever be happy with what I have/what the elk am I supposed to do
You’ve been through a lot of shit and your life has ended up with two very different priorities that understandably can’t be easily reconciled, from what I’ve understood.
And crying is really therapeutic and good in so many ways.
I’m not good with language here but IMO you shouldn’t feel obligated to feel happy about this. I mean there’s a difference between depression and sadness, and from what I’ve read it sounds like you have stuff - e.g. leaving Berlin - that it’s fine to be sad about. I guess what I mean is I think it’s understandable to be very frustrated when depression is making your life very hard, but that doesn’t mean all the things that make you sad need to be railed against? I hope this helps a bit, anyway.
I just don’t know how I am supposed to feel confident or self-assured again and keep feeling it’s so stupid that I left. I miss my therapist ffs.
First time posting on this thread. I’ve been reading for a while and you all seem really caring so it seemed right to open up as I’m not sure what else to do…
It seens really trivial posting this as I shouldn’t have anything to complain about, but I feel so low almost all of the time. Me and my wife have recently had our first child and she is absolutely incredible. I just feel totally inadequate though and spend most of my time in awe of how my wife is dealing with everything. It really shouldn’t be about me as we have this wonderful little person in our lives now, but I feel like I’m cracking up and I just think that they would be so much better without me.
I really don’t know what to do as it feels like admitting all of this would be a massive failing on my part.
Hey, it’s not trivial if it’s affecting you. I think when we feel that we should think, feel or behave a certain way it puts a lot of pressure on us. How long have you been feeling like this? Men can get postnatal depression too, do you think this might be a possibility? https://www.nct.org.uk/parenting/postnatal-depression-dads
Have you spoken to your wife about how you’re feeling? If you haven’t then I really think you should. Are there any new parents groups near you that you can get involved in?
I remember feeling a lesser version of this when we had our first. The reason your wife seems so incredible to you at the moment is because she IS being incredible. The first six months of a baby’s life are about the hardest (good) thing that you’ll ever do, and necessarily a lot of it falls on the mother early on. And man, do they step up. My view of my wife fundamentally changed in those first weeks.
BUT - that doesn’t mean they don’t need you, holy shit no. You deal with your bit - getting up in the night when needed, holding down your job (presumably) with limited sleep, providing her with whatever she needs even if it’s just another cup of tea or an hour off - and that’s more than enough. That’s what allows her to deal with her bit. You provide the reliable bass so she can do the guitar solos. It’s teamwork.
Everything seems hard in the first few weeks/months, but it gets better.
Thank you so much for the response. I wasn’t aware of post natal depression affecting Dads.
Tbh I think it started before the baby was born but in the last couple of months it has really intensified.
I haven’t spoken to anyone about it. I want to tell my wife but I’m terrified how it will make her feel. I know I should, it’s just a case of using the right words I guess.
We have a WhatsApp group for the Dads who were in the NCT class. Not sure how this one would go down with them as they all seem to be really happy.
Thank you for this.
I think these feelings are more common than you imagine. I think if you are a sensitive person, a caring person, then you are more likely to suffer as you will be acutely aware of how terrifying it is to be a parent. It just shows that you are taking it seriously! Sometimes you need to force yourself not to think too closely about how hard it all is and how much could go wrong. It gets easier. I do recommend that you get some help and speak to a counsellor though. I had terrible anxiety (our baby nearly died after birth) and I’ll never recover from that trauma but thanks to counselling, I can live with it now.
And by the way, it’s wonderful that your wife is bossing motherhood. Remember, she will be flooded with all of the baby hormones that make it come naturally. That is not to in any way detract from how awesome she is doing right now, but oxytocin will be helping her along- nature’s wonder love drug! I wish they dispensed it to new dads too as I think we sometimes forget that you guys are our rocks, while we’re just getting on with it (if that makes sense).
I’ve read all of this thread and empathised with a lot of different things, haven’t written anything of myself, mainly because I know a few people in here and it feels a bit weird.
Anyway, a couple of things:
I think I may have this to some degree or another and not really sure what to do about it.
I have a huge problem with authority/establishment/workplace things and maintaining interpersonal relationships, which has kind of led me to take very low key, low responsibility jobs, which then leads onto other pressures (financial, romantic, status anxiety, etc.)
Right now I’m feeling pretty anxious about a work situation- I work in a very religious school which is very dysfunctional, working with a boy with autism who has started lashing out. His parents are very pushy, and I feel like there’s no support from the school. Really want to tell my agency I want to quit, but this could lead to precarious work situation afterwards.
But essentially in this mess due to underlying personal problems.
Anyway. Just thought I’d write this down to some strangers on the internet.
mm that disorder is interesting to read about, I think i have some of that too.
I have ended up “just quitting” a couple times now and something else does always come up, however, it might not help you with the disorder.
(also I’m not a stranger )
I think it’s one of those ones which seem to make sense to a lot of people, so maybe I’m just being a bit delusional about it. However when I saw it for the first time last year I was like ‘yep, that’s me’
Tbh when I’ve read through all this I think I’ve empathised with your plight more than others.
and that’s the real quiz.
Sorry to hear about the issues your baby had. Glad you are both doing ok now.
Thanks for the advice. I’ll be booking a doctors appointment this week.
I got my counselling via a charity. My GP wasn’t a great help (not her fault, just limited resources) but my health visitor put me in touch with the charity. It was run by church of Scotland but you didn’t have to be a member to use the services. I wonder, if you feel able to confide in your wife, if she might ask the health visitor for advice for you? I was surprised at how may amazing groups there were (including a baby massage group for mums and dads who were suffering a bit).
And thank you- we are great now and I still look back on those days as the happiest of my life, even though I must have been struggling quite a bit at the time. You will ‘get there’ too.
Feel like such an utter failure