great post, this
I think I’d be happier just cutting ties. The bosses are a combination of clueless and uncaring whilst being highly disproportionately sensitive to criticism. I’ve learnt from encounters in the past that the slightest disagreement is a personal attack. I don’t think anything I say to them can make a difference. Ex employees share my views but the current lot don’t seem fussed or agree with the things that I have a problem with
They told me that handing in my sick note really stressed them out…
I’m pretty sure I’m dealing with upper middle class liberal psychopaths. That Ozy fest in human form.
I mentioned that some staff who have left often acted as HR, someone to speak to about issues who doesn’t decide your pay and hours. But I even had to say that in a way that was wasn’t going to make anyone get defensive. They didn’t seem interested so I thought I’d just leave the real issues vague.
I’m going to get involved in ways to improve things in a more general sense - organisation and activism.
trigger warning: suicide.
I’m going to a funeral tomorrow. It’s a childhood friend of mine – we grew apart as teenagers, I hadn’t really spoken to him in maybe ten years. I’ve just found out it was suicide and it’s a complete gut punch. The family have asked for donations to Samaritans instead of flowers. We both started school on the same day, he lived less than ten doors down from me. We used to always be around each others house playing Nintendo. His sister used to buy us booze when we were 14. I know it’s natural to grow apart from people from being a teenager but, you just have no idea of where people are… but it’s just devastating and so tragic. 25, man.
Not hugely looking for anything from this thread, it’s just really great that we have a space like this, you’re all wonderful people. And please, please if anybody feels they need help, there are people who want to - be that here on this topic or on the other end of a phone call.
real sorry to hear that, I think it’s natural to still have feelings and emotional connections to people from your past no matter how long ago, it’s still something/someone who has shaped you as a person.
Very sorry for your loss
Feeling shit about everything and don’t want to be near the internet at all for a while so I won’t be posting for a bit. Mentioning it here because people are genuinely decent and worry about regulars who disappear for a bit and I wouldn’t want anyone to worry if they noticed. @moderators too so you know why I’m absent. Thanks
Look after yourself, JazBaz.
Thanks again to everyone who responded last week when I asked what I should be doing to improve my mental health. I’ve spoken to the local talking therapy centre and they’re referring me to do a course through MIND, which I hope will help a lot.
On a related note, I’ve been without my phone this week while it’s being fixed and I’ve found it really liberating. I’m less anxious and find that I have way more time to do things that I enjoy (reading, walking etc). I’m considering getting rid of my phone long-term, but that feels anti-social and deliberately isolating. Has anyone else considered/done this to help their mental health? Did it work?
Take care JB. If you need anything, just shout. Please check in when you feel better so we know you’re ok xx
I haven’t ever got rid of my phone, but I have actively put it in another room on a regular basis when wanting to focus on an activity, or at bed time to stop myself getting distracted.
To be honest, I don’t think you should worry about being seen as anti-social if you think it’s going to have a positive impact on your wellbeing and MH - I mean, you can’t control friends’ reactions, but hopefully the majority of them would understand. There’s a definite need sometimes to act in what feels like a selfish manner for your own good.
I do know of someone who has never had a mobile for this very reason, they have been a long-time anxiety sufferer and made the decision very early never to have a mobile. A lot of folk don’t understand this and take the piss but I really admire him for it.
Thanks czuk x
Feel pretty bleak still. I don’t know how to keep going, I feel as though I have reached my limit in so many ways. Rather than adapting to things now my abilities are degrading. I have reached the point of parenting I always feared, where the needs are too complex that I just don’t have the capacity to handle them.
I wish I could find some way in my normal life to feel calm and free like I did at the weekend on holiday. As soon as I started heading home my head became a total mess again, it feels like my brain is constantly in turmoil, like there are fires everywhere and a load of catastrophic geological activity ripping everything apart. I desperately want it to be calm in there again, but my circumstances don’t allow for that.
I know this may sound a bit hippy dippy but have you tried any meditation?
There are some apps you can get where you just do them in bed or in a quiet spot (maybe when you’ve put R to bed and have a little time to yourself) Might be worth having a trial of one to see if that can help relax your brain and bring back that feeling of calm you had on holiday?
It’s probably no great consolation, but parenting is an absolute headfuck for everyone. It’s hard - REALLY hard, especially at the age where they start getting wilful and pushing boundaries, where they can start talking back, where they can start running off.
Do your best to make regular time for yourself, so that you’ve got a bit of head space to look forward to, and remember that before long they’ll be at school which takes a lot of pressure off too.
Have you got a network of other mums you can sound off to? Our NCT group has been a life saver for my other half and her sanity (she suffered from massive anxiety too when Jimbo was tiny, and tbh is still more anxious about everything than me)
I very much relate with this, and this is just to do with dates atm.
finding it hard not to feel like a worthless piece of shit rn
Thanks, that’s helpful. I’ll probably need a supercheap phone for the next week or so anyway, so maybe I’ll see how I get on with something without constant internet access and go from there.
On a bit of a positivity buzz as starting to get things addressed to NEW!name. Still haven’t handled work though (on the cards for tomorrow) so that’s probably going to bring me back down to earth.
take care jb x
I have tried a couple of times, I just find it really hard to first be calm enough to start it (and quiet down thoughts that I don’t deserve to feel better) and then to stay focused. I know it is one of those things that gets better with practice, I am not sure how to break down those barriers to it though. I almost think I need a friend to do it with who could help guide me to start, but I have no even vaguely local friends, even if I had s space I could invite them to.
I don’t have any mum friends, I have tried to engage with others at baby and toddler groups but unsuccessfully, mostly I just feel very alienated and have learnt to keep to myself. I do have my family support worker though who is great to talk to (seeing her tomorrow, thankfully).
I know being a parent is difficult for everyone, but there are certain aspects that seem really incompatible with the extent of my autistic traits, and that is something unsolvable. I can’t help but feel increasingly like I will never be able to be even a passable mum for R long term. I have multiple meltdowns in a day and it is at a level now where it surely must be harming him.
I can’t even say what I am feeling here properly because it is too disgusting and selfish.