Relate to this so very much.
Having a weird evening. Feel like I can do anything I set my mind to and ready to ~revolutionise~ my life but also feel like I wouldn’t really mind dying right about now. The other night I put the stove on for the first time since April, and after a while I started to get a headache. Thought I should test the carbon monoxide detector to check it’s working and discovered what I thought was the carbon monoxide detector was actually a second smoke alarm. And I just thought, you know what, it wouldn’t be so bad really to just go to bed and not wake up. I woke up, obviously, but I won’t lie, the first thing I thought was “well that’s a shame”. Got a detector today, so you know, have that covered now.
Long before the new site, when I was a creepy lurker who never posted, I read your Christmas stocking threads and they made my sad little Christmases a lot happier.
We haven’t ever spoken on here, but those threads made me so happy when I didn’t think that was possible.
I can’t offer any life changing advice, but I’m really glad that you got your carbon monoxide alarm fixed. X
you too are amazing inside out, and you too @PocketMouse and @laelfy - its shit that people like you guys who are lovely and clever and funny and look great feel like this too. I just feel sad for my past self - i thought everyone was better than me and really had zero sense of self worth and whenever people said anything nice i genuinely never believed it and just figured they were being kind or felt sorry for me. Its still a little hard to accept compliments but thank you so much cor what you said, it means a lot xxx
I know just how you feel - some days i feel like i can sort it all out and all those impossible dreams can come true, then i remmeber that im me and it probably wont happen and then feel shit again. Those feelings of power though are a good sign, a light at the end of the tunnel and what i try to cling to. You’re such a smart, genuinely impressive person who can definitely do what they want if they try! Me, and im sure lots of others on here are cheering you on xxx
I hate when, for example, I might go to bed thinking “yeah, I can accomplish my goals” and then I’ll wake up in the middle of the night thinking I’m really stupid for having whatever ambitions I have. What is it about the middle of the night that encourages self-loathing?
Ugh same, thoughts are loudest then, its awful
That was a like for ‘shit, yeah, I feel that, man’. I have to really knacker myself out as best I can these days before I turn the light off to try and keep this shit at bay, otherwise I am awake for hours getting more and more anxious to the point where I often expect my heart to literally explode.
I know this feeling all too well. I hated how I looked until very recently, and how I felt inside about myself has pretty much ruined much of my adult life.
I was literally looking back last night at the old photos of myself I allowed myself to remain tagged in, and feeling none of the self-hatred I used to feel.
it’s all an illusion, caused in our poor addled minds by people who are cruel, things that happen that hurt us, shit things in society etc.
let’s just be glad we managed to escape those feelings somewhat
my best friend has been in a wheelchair for the last decade or so. he was relatively mobile given circumstances, but last year he had a fall and has had his mobility limited since (something he’s understandably struggled with a lot). got given the news a month ago that not only is that damage permanent, his health will almost certainly deteriorate further in the years to come.
that would be shit for most people but his life is a complete rubix cube of shit. he has no money. his family has no money. they live in the middle of nowhere and my friend can rarely get out of the house. he has multiple mental health issues that would be difficult to deal with without everything else. his disabilities lead to other problems: when he went to visit friends in Edinburgh earlier this year, he scheduled a date on Grindr - the guy came into the restaurant, saw him, pretended not to see him, left, then ghosted him. fucking ableist piece of shit.
we’ve just had a great week away in Manchester, surrounded by people who love him, him achieving more than he ever thought he could, and me finally feeling like I was a good enough friend to him. we’ve organised for him and a mutual friend to come to my parents’ house for 4 days over New Year so he’s not alone. we’ve planned a group meet-up in mid-December because he really, really struggles with Christmas. I’m running a secret crowdfund for him that has raised nearly £2,000 just from me private messaging about 100~ people in the community; the money will be given to him so he has more financial freedom.
but then he’s posted online about how he doesn’t know that he can go on for much longer, forever paranoid that one tiny thing could permanently fuck his physical health even more, and being afraid that if he waits to end it then he won’t be physically able to do it. I’ve basically just got to come to terms with the fact that, no matter how much money we raise or how much time I spend organising social events, eventually he will kill himself and I’ll lose the person who means the most to me in the world. Feeling completely empty right now
Felt quite emotional reading this. I really feel for you, you’re obviously an incredible friend that anyone would be lucky to have, and so it must be so hard for that not feel enough in the context of all the difficulties your friend has been through. I find myself thinking that yes, it’s completely understandable for him to feel a sense of hopelessness even with people staying strong around him…but I’m sure his life would be even harder without the effort you’ve put in and compassion you’ve shown.
Fuck the world for making life like this for some people. Fuck those who see it as justified in any way.
Even though I can understand why you feel empty you really shouldn’t - you sound like a wonderful friend
Hey I’ve been out of here for a while but that’s probably cuz I’m avoiding the issue so here I am:
So I turned 30 this weekend and I had a really nice birthday, spent with friends and the girl I’m seeing, who came over from Dublin just to be there, a lot of fun. However, at some point in the night, as a relative outsider but also very perceptive person she felt a bit off about the whole thing and said to me later that “everyone’s so miserable in London”
In the two remaining days she was here there was a weird subdued mood that kinda rained down over us where she asked if I’m ok and we quickly realised that the answer, really, is no.
These past few months fallout post Berlin have been good, I’ve needed a more positive escape from it and landing a job I like with people I like has been great. But I’m really neglecting to take care or myself because it’s easier to pretend everything is fine when you’re distracting yourself with a job that often ends up with drinking and late hours constantly.
But the fact is it’s only a short term solution and ultimately isn’t helping. I’m living in sublets at the moment cuz I can’t afford a deposit on my own place, I’m not taking enough time to do exercise or meditation, I’m not currently getting the chance to see a doctor about the immense amount of pressure I pile on myself which leads to my very low self-esteem, which has been very much exposed by not fully enjoying what was supposed to be an amazing weekend with my relatively new girlfriend when our previous times together were just that. As a result I think I’m gonna have to leave my job and London and try and find a Christmas temp job in Norwich to get some money and support together.
She still has hope in me and us, but her confidence has just been rattled. She was not that long ago in what sounds like a pretty shitty, abusive relationship herself and has only recently felt good about herself again, hence why she’s aware of this now. Things were left in a weird place where she still cares and wants this to work but isn’t currently convinced about it. She doesn’t want to end up in another one-sided relationship and frankly neither do I, it’s basically how my last one ended and I’m not prepared to do that again, especially when I think she’s an amazing person and worth sticking around for. But even so, there’s so much I need to do for my own well being regardless of relationships, though obviously that’s also conducive to me getting my shit together.
Any thoughts or advice is welcome, esp if bipolar orientated x
Edit: the infuriating thing is I’m aware of all this shit and often try and do something about it but find it impossible to keep up
Consistently gutted by my inability to get a job or even interviews. Just makes me so sick that the last 4 years have been for absolutely nothing, and all my family knows it.
It can take time, hang in there
How does drinking a small amount of alcohol, lots of alcohol, and completely abstaining from alcohol make you feel?
Maybe your cv/application materials need some extra work? I know when you’re job hunting every rejection can feel personal but they’re assessing what you send in, not you personally
Honestly I’ve been on steady daily amount for a while with only the occasional day off here and there. The weekend was an extreme case (Friday I was working Oktoberfest, Saturday was birthday party) so way more than usual which definitely attributed to my feeling shit the rest of the time the TV was here, but I usually am fine with a couple, probs because of dependency at this point. Very aware this will also be attributing to my mental state…
I’m going on the assumption from the wording of your post you’ve just finished university, and so the type of jobs you’re going for and the application process might be completely different, but i’ve applied for 150 pretty generic jobs to get two interviews, and when i’ve queried that with people i’ve just got a shrug and been told it’s about right.
I expect the more skilled jobs you’re going for the less competition you might have, but the longer and more in depth and ultimately frustrating the whole process and any rejections might be, but i wouldn’t get too down on yourself, there’s a massive lack of jobs full stop.
Yeah this is what everyone has told me, i just know I’ve blown some really easy opportunities recently and i feel I’ve shot myself in the foot by staying in Belfast. Just have to keep pushing on i suppose