**New** Mental Health Thread (2018)


#1963

i can relate quite a lot to this. as i’ve mentioned on here before, my ex has quite a bit of her own mh stuff going on, and when we were together i became a sort of unofficial carer to a large extent.

i ended up investing so much time and energy in her wellbeing that i completely neglected my own and it got
to a point where it was completely unsustainable. i had very little social life outside of the relationship and so i never got any sort of respite from it.

i think it’s important to try and discuss it with the relevant people if you are able to. it’s not at all selfish or unreasonable to need some time and space of your own, and if you can find a way to give yourself that, and have an opportunity to recharge a little bit, it will almost certainly improve not just the quality of your life but also the quality of the relationships with those people as well :slight_smile:

really hope you can find something that works and gives you the space that you need. :slight_smile:


#1964

it’s not remotely selfish. if your thing is helping other people, which is commendable, then i think it’s natural to feel a bit used up sometimes. and tbh you’re no good to them if you aren’t happy, if you’re stressed and feeling anxious all the time. it isn’t a reflection on you, it just means you’re human! sometimes i guess we just have to say, “i’ve had enough for now, i’m taking a break.”

is there a way you can do this? just let people know, yo, i’m not available saturday, because i’ll be working my way through some netflix and ignoring my phone and eating delicious junk all day.


#1965

You’re far too lovely bammers :hugs:
Yeah, that’s exactly it- you can love someone more than anything in the world, but needing a break every now and then to recharge when it’s making you ill is absolutely okay and the right thing to do


#1966

lol, just abandoned post regarding a mate who is going through some seriously awful times. dunno what to do. might pack it all in here and stay with him for a bit. fuck.


#1967

Probably a stupid question, but are you okay mate?
Have a good vent if you think it’ll help. Can’t imagine how hard it must be to be in a different country to your friend, assuming they’re here in the UK?


#1968

I’m not okay really, but blurred because suicide

in short, he said he’s tried to kill himself twice over the past 3 years, and then burst into tears into my chest. I knew he’d suffered from self-esteem issues before, but I had absolutely no clue that it had got to this point.


put him to bed next door (he was very drunk), and will be checking up on him all night, but I had no idea about this, and I have absolutely no idea what to do now. should I call his parents? or work? fly back with him?

I guess i’ll have a proper chat with him tomorrow when he’s sober but, fuck.


#1969

Christ, I’m so sorry (for him, and for you to hear that)
Yeah, a chat tomorrow is a good idea. Are you and him in the same circle of mates? If so, maybe making one or two them aware could be a good shout first, if only so they can keep an eye and keep you updated. Just in case letting parents/work know would make him annoyed (annoyed is the wrong word, defensive might be more apt) and be less likely to talk to you in the future. Such a tough situation and no straightforward right or wrong answer unfortunatel. Not that I can be of much use but if you want to PM rather than talk publicly then please feel free


#1970

Lots of love going out to you @profk.

@DarwinBabe – I totally get where you are coming from. The first time I went to counselling was because I felt unable to cope with the person my partner needed me to be at that time. The majority of it was because I didn’t understand the person she needed me to be, to be honest.
I felt very under pressure. It felt like I was the only person she was able to vent her true feelings to. It felt like I was the focal point of her negative thoughts, and I didn’t understand the role I needed to play at that point in her life, right then. It took me a long time to really ‘get it’, to be totally honest. And it was very hard to not take as a personal failing. I was the only real vice for her and I feel like I took a lot of the brunt of what was a horrendous time for her. I don’t think I’ll ever know. I tried to be “strong” for the both of us but it wound up in my own mental health spiralling downwards really quickly. I don’t think I’m getting at much here but to say it’s completely reasonable and fine for you to feel overwhelmed trying to support people. I myself had it just attempting to support one person, let alone multiple.

My counsellor told me that this is very normal in a relationship; surely this extends to other walks of life. There was a phrase for it but I for the life of me cannot find it by googling; it was ‘depression by proxy’, or words to that effect, but the essence was that taking the load off of other people – trying to be selfless – can result in your own MH becoming worse. But it’s apparently really common – bearing the worst thoughts of those you love because you think you can handle it. It can be hard to back away from it especially when it is someone you love – trust me I know. I don’t think I have much advice but to offer solidarity and to reassure you it’s a completely reasonable way to feel. It’s completely fine to want you time and it’s completely fine to feel overwhelmed. From what I’ve seen you post here you’re great, and you’re gonna do a great job regardless.


#1971

Very good chance this is more therapeutic for me than anyone else but that’s okay. Feeling weirdly v positive.


#1972

:heart: ahh mate. it’s awful that he’s going through that. it makes me think of my friend and his brother who has been having a terrible time and seems like a hopeless cause at times. as in… this isn’t one where you can hold your hands up, even if you’re going through a rough time yourself, as I know you are.

I also know that the closest I have come to that act is when I’ve been drunk. when you’re veering all over the road emotionally, when you’re a person of extreme emotions anyway, alcohol is obviously something you need to be kept away from.

it’s a great burden, but also I think… I don’t know how to describe what I’m trying to say. I guess the fact that they feel like they can open up to you says a lot about the kind of person you are. in this situation, he’s your brother.

I don’t know if that helps with the practicalities of dealing with this situation, to feel honoured, loved, sought for solidarity, consolation, support?

fuck, I just hope he can find some way to feel better about what he’s been going through.

if you need to chat about any self-esteem stuff, yourself or his issues, drop me a message. my specialist subject, I reckon. obviously he needs some emergency support from Samaritans or the like, but if you need to talk, I’m here.


#1973

Mate you’ve just summed up exactly my experience over the last few years more eloquently and comprehensively than I’ve managed through a lot of trying. Thank you, sincerely, this has really helped me.


#1974

Thanks guys xxxxx

I am taking so much of what’s been said on board. Very hard to translate these thoughts and practices into what I actually do as a friend / girlfriend.

I’m also not at all selfless. I do sometimes try to demand time alone but for complicated reasons its very hard to come by.

Also there’s the knowing it’s worse for the person you are with guilt. I can’t really complain when things are mostly ok for me and i have loads more going on in my life.


#1975

Absolutely this. I try to remind myself every day that at least I can get out to work, the shops etc without any problem. And that she absolutely would if she could.


#1976

I can relate to this so much mate


#1977

now having really bad anxiety about my face/body. it’s useless for someone to tell me not to worry about it or try to validate it. I need to learn to be happy with how I look again, independent of what anyone thinks.

anyone else getting this?


#1978

I’ve had body dysmorphia most of my life, since being bullied in school.

it genuinely has helped, gradual cumulative positive reinforcement. the selfie thread. growing a beard was huge, too.

I still find it creeps back. it’s never going to be entirely gone. I also try really hard to keep in shape because I know I’ll hate the way my body looks if I’m not quite toned/athletic.

I think I cope better with it because I accept myself personality-wise much more than at any time in my life.

but I don’t know, really.

I’d say it’s a thing mindfulness can really help - being aware that your state of mind and the things that affect that are going to affect your perception of your body. trying to be aware when this is happening.


#1979

I think it’s also really helpful to try to remember that nobody else perceives your appearance the way you do. your feelings about the way you look are all informed by everything you’ve been through, all manner of internalised negativity that only you feel when you look at yourself.


#1980

Massively get this, and have done for many years. Sometimes I think it’s too ingrained in me to change it now, but then my wife says something nice about me, or someone pays me a compliment and, like has been said above, it does gradually build up and counteracts the negativity a little bit. The selfie thread on here has been a massive help to me too. I know it might seem like a throwaway bit of fun but it’s been an immeasurable help having people like and comment positively on photos of my (I want to say ‘giant and ugly’ here but I won’t) face.
I hope these feelings pass soon for you DB, sending big love.


#1981

Been hormonally all over the shop lately, going for aimless walks in the dark after work and that. tired and lonely and dreading the cold weather. also jealous of people that work with people who they can also be pals with


#1982

some good news for this hopefully.

seems very likely that my dad damaged his kidney in a fall he had at work a few months ago (and didn’t go to the doctor or tell anyone about). it’s a bit shagged now, but fingers crossed he’s not seriously ill, it’s just a physical trauma thing that’s causing the symptoms.