NME - a true decline


Sadly it’s not even the worst thing in this week’s issue. There’s a two page festival survival feature from an instagram ‘lifestyle blogger’ in partnership with V05. He looks exactly like you would imagine an instagram ‘lifestyle blogger’ to look and his entirely impartial advice for festival survival is to remember to pack V05 dry shampoo…


Yup, they have to make it as beige and insightless as possible so that the likes of Tesco and ASDA will agree to have a pile of them dumped in their car parks without risk of causing offence.

They hardly ever award less than four stars in any reviews any more either - in the vain hope of being included in the promotional material for whatever they are reviewing. You have to wonder who’s promoting who.


Heres your chicken salad you cunt :smiley:


Disappeared completely from Fopp Covent Garden which I used to pick up mid week on my lunch break.

On any given Thursday the cardboard stand was about 80% full so I could see why they’re not bothering with it.


Our local HMV used to have a stand by the front door, which crept gradually towards the back and then disappeared. Presumably deliveries go straight into the bin at the back now. Cutting out the middleman and all that.

Needs to be put out of its misery.


As many have said…I’d be shocked if it’s around for much longer. I think it’s reputation is probably more of a hindrance than anything else now…people pick up on things like becoming a free press. When something’s doing poorly financially, you just automatically assume the quality has dropped.

Which rings true really…there are still free mags doing okay (loud and quiet, for example, which has a much more niche scope), so the market is there. It’s just that the name hasn’t focused on anything creative this side of the year 2000.


Got a lot of time for Loud & Quiet…good reviews and interviews, normally unveil a band or two per issue for me to check-out, some nice humour thrown in - in summary: much closer to the original NME than the current NME is…


Yep, Loud & Quiet, Pure Rawk, Vive Le Rock and tons small time blogs provide way more relevant and useful articles, interviews and reviews.


can’t imagine anyone reads it beyond people like us, who remember what it was and are now morbidly curious about what it’s become.

i guess time just left it behind. it was absolutely smashed by the internet and never found a way to stay competitive. must be extremely disheartening to be a young writer there, constantly reminded of past glories and knowing the ship is sinking.


One ticket for the nostalgia bus please.

On Wednesdays in the mid 90s I used to buy the nme, my brother would buy melody maker. We’d spend the first hour after school reading them then swap and read the others. After dinner we’d give them back and cut out pictures of bands we loved and stick them on our walls.

A simpler time


The ship sank when it went free though, didn’t it?


conor mcnicholas probably killed it.


Just been on their website which is something of a daily routine for me… roughly 6 of the articles on the front page are adverts masked as news / blogs for Black Friday deals on iPhone / Galaxy / Switch… none of them are headed as sponsored content either, which I believe is breaching some sort of journalist regulation… sad!

Surely this can’t last into 2018…


The actual state of this.


KOBOLD McCAFFERTY sits alone in his room, a sad expression on his face. His fingers are poised appropriately on his new bass guitar, and his foot hovers over the wah-wah pedal that had arrived via express delivery only some hours earlier. He leans over and presses ‘play’ on his stereo.

O, noodles so fried
On this evening so nice
’Pon mine plate doth sit
This sauce of such sprice
So gather thee all
From noble to fool
To gather such sauce
Pon thine most fried noo-dle…

As this famous 16th Century folk standard about sriracha plays (this recording by the way is from hip-hop producer Madlib’s little-known album of Medieval music interpretations, The Lutepack); KOBOLD plays some groovy licks on his wah-wah bass. But it brings him no pleasure.

KOBOLD: Gah! (throws his bass to the ground) This brings me no pleasure.

Just as I said. Anyway, at that moment, his friend - NIKOLAI GOGOL enters.

NIKOLAI: You’ll never believe what I picked up today

Shows him a record

KOBOLD: Oh finally a piece of music that combines my love of sriracha with funk

NIKOLAI: You can probably return that record and the bass and the wah-wah pedal you were using to create a facsimile and get a refund, I imagine

KOBOLD: No I’m not entitled to a refund from the vendors I used

NIKOLAI: You can probably resell them

KOBOLD: Yes I bet I can

NIKOLAI: You can do it over the Internet

KOBOLD: That’s what I was going to have done, yes

NIKOLAI: Do you want to listen to the record


NIKOLAI: Great I’ll put it on

KOBOLD: I think I’d rather listen to it alone


KOBOLD: Go away Nikolai Gogol and let me listen to this record on my lonsome

NIKOLAI GOGOL goes outside

NIKOLAI: (soliloquising) I bought that record for my m9 because he had become a recluse and I thought his discovering this thing he’d been looking for would be a way of him coming back to society but I suppose it didn’t work and it was all the NME’s fault. (he looks around) I was going to go to the bowling rink with my friend Kobold but now I need to have a different plan. I suppose I will just go and write Dead Souls instead

and that, reader, is the story behind Nikolai Gogol’s novel Dark Souls


If every person on the Internet made posts like yours rather than… well, the stuff we generally get, i
I’d never be off the web.


Same for me - used to be a site I at least passed through for years to get the indie headlines. I’m really trying to break that habit now because it’s actually terrible…


Tomorrow, I expect to read what Noel and Liam think about Sriracha.


LIAM: Fookin’ ‘avin’ it … on me fried noodles like

NOEL communicates his opinion through the medium of a looping VHS of an elderly man ballroom dancing with a vintage typewriter because he’s gone experimental like what John Lennon did. Said opinion is, one has to admit, quite funny though

LIAM: ‘E’s gone all la-dee-da like, while I’m mekkin music for the fookin’ people like. Bet 'e never even 'as sriracha on ‘is fried noodles, bet ‘e’s fookin eating ‘is caviar, sittin’ on the fookin’ veranda comparing fookin’ Dan Brown books like.


Currently the first SEVEN ‘news stories’ on the site are ads for Black Friday deals. SEVEN.

Jesus fucking Christ, NME.