Not in my job description


#1

Just bought my lunch and the accountant came shuffling in and asked me to super glue his broken toenail.

I didn’t but put me right off my food.

Anyway, would anyone have done that? For anyone?


#2

Why couldn’t he do it himself? Why ask a coworker? Fucking ghoul.


#3

Maybe for Victoria Coren-Mitchell, but that’s it.


#4

No way, feet are off limits.


#5

To what? I’d have happily stuck it to the ceiling fan


#6

Thanks, you’ve put me right off my lunch


#7

helped unblock a really pooey toilet once. loads of poo there was.


DiS Friday Afternoon Conference Call
#8

That’s probably why it was blocked.


#9

Fished out a detached rubber tip from an earphone from a colleagues ear with a Leatherman. Definitely more rewarding than whatever I was actually being paid to do that day.


#10

I used to work front desk at a hotel when I was younger and on July 4th I was one of two people working in the entire hotel. I get a frantic call from a woman in one of the guest rooms about “poop not going down, poop not going down.” I reluctantly went upstairs to investigate and was basically greeted by real life elderly Elmer Fudd loudly declaring “Yeah, I took a giant SHIT and it’s not going down, you need to fix it.” I had to break it up with a stick as his age-inappropriate girlfriend looked on.

Another time I was working at a camp as a counselor in training and I walked into the bathroom (single toilet kind) and there was a giant turd on the ground right in front of the toilet. I ran back to tell the head of the camp, and when we got back there it had been converted from “turd” to “footprint.” My friend and I got cleanup duty since we were the lowest on the ladder.


#11

got a little shiver just reading that


#12

Report him to HR


#13

getting excel spreadsheets to work

edit:
google spreadsheets*


#14

My clueless former coworker went up to a woman and asked if she could get him some pens and notebooks. She was the head engineer.


#15

Used to be the ‘tech guy’ at my old old job. When I started my old one, I just feigned ignorance at anything to do with printers/outlook/network stuff and my life was a lot better


#16

I would’ve helped him


#17

Because I’m usually within the first three people in the office, and always the first to go make myself a coffee, the dishwasher is always full when I get there. At first, I would empty the dishwasher with that eagerness that a new starter has to do what they can to help wherever while metaphorically patting myself on the back for being the sort of person who wasn’t above emptying the dishwasher. In my imagination, there were reporters around me taking photographs of how selfless I was being, emptying the dishwasher despite it being incredibly cost-inefficient for the organisation, but you can’t put a price on morale. People would nudge each other with their elbows and make over-exaggerated positive gestures in my direction like an underpaid extra.

This was fine for a couple of weeks, but since it’s also one of the jobs I do most at home too, it started to become a real chore. I started to resent being the one who always did it based purely on something which should, in theory, be rewarded. I’d also noticed a couple of times that someone would have had a coffee before me and had just left the dishwasher full. The sense of injustice started to creep in and I gradually became more and more irked by the whole situation.

Then one day I made the conscious decision to reduce my emptying task to every other day. That way I was still the one who did it most often, but it wasn’t being taken for granted as something that could be confused with a thing I actually enjoyed doing. This system seemed to work fine for a little while, with me resenting the whole process a little less until one fateful morning.

I was making myself a coffee on one of my off days and one of my workmates came into the kitchen area, saw the empty cup shelf and proceeded to open the dishwasher. It may have been my imagination, but I swear he paused for a moment as he saw it was full and registered the whole situation before putting the dishes away himself. He did all of this without saying a word.

I was mortified with shame. He knew that I had seen the dishwasher full of dishes and ignored it. Consciously ignored it and left it there. Not only that, but I was a relatively new guy, so he probably made a few judgements about my entire sense of entitlement and upbringing at that moment. As he carried on doing his good deed, I knew there was nothing I could say to explain my position without seeming like a total weirdo. We didn’t know each other, there was no rapport I could bend to explain.

Faced with the situation, I thought the best thing to do would be to at least help him out. I couldn’t even make eye contact as I stumbled to grab cups and glasses, clicking them together in my clumsily distracted manner. After a couple of handfuls where it was clear that I was being more of a burden than an asset, he turned to me with a smile and said “No no, it’s ok, you enjoy your coffee”.

I wanted to curl up into a ball and die. I walked off with my coffee and left him there with his imaginary paparazzi.

Since then I have been emptying the fucking dishwasher every day since and I fucking hate it but what choice do I have?


#18

Get to work later on your off days


#19

Go to Starbucks first. Fuck 'em


#20

Why did he choose you to ask? So much about this is mystifying