#23

@Mistersteve you’re probably wondering how the hell your innocent question has dredged up all this stuff and made me so angry.

Basically a couple of years ago I dated someone who was a regular on here. He wrote some intensely personal and invasive stuff about me on here as a “huh huh check out this lads” kind of story, and then being a total psycho, actually recommended I look at the site. I had to complain and get it removed and really argue to get him banned. It’s one of the most humiliating things that has ever happened to me.

Some people, noticeably penoid and darwinbabe as already mentioned and @xylo and @elthamsmateowen were really kind and supportive, but a lot of people were noticeably cunts about the whole thing (anyone feeling at this point they’re going to barge in and Well Actually me here, just sit down and shut up) and it shone a spotlight on how nasty and toxic a lot of the atmosphere/conventions on the old version of the site was.

It also made me feel like I had to fight and continually argue and convince people to be even considered actually being a human being. So when people are all flippant and “haha oh the old site was so much funnier I miss when people were continually pricks to each other” it really dredges up this whole feeling of what is horrible and painful for me is just something funny in passing for them, and reminds me that I’m very much on the edge here of being considered a real person and things could easily flip back.

Since the new version of the site launched, people have been dramatically nicer and more considerate to each other, but stuff like this still reminds me that I had to push pretty hard and use a lot of energy and mental energy that could have been used on other things to make it that way, and that perhaps the tide could turn back on me at any point and I shouldn’t get too comfortable here.

#25

I came on here this morning to put some nice pics of Ljubljana while having some coffee at the guesthouse before going out for lunch, then basically got slapped in the face with a reminder that I can never really relax on this website.

#26

I don’t think pinkybrain has any malice in his statement, probably doesn’t know any different to be honest.

Some awful things have happened on/due to this forum and I’m only really aware third hand.

#27

It’s not malice, but not thinking/ever having to be in a position where you have to think can often be really harmful too.

#28

I don’t know what the answer is there.

#29

Just listening to what people say is the best solution I guess, and making an effort to think about how life can be different for other people

#30

seems sensible!

I don’t think anyone who posts here anymore would say anything horrible or abusive to you BUT then again you never really know anyone over the internet, rarely even in real life!

Have a nice day anyhow

#31

@_Em
Understand, and I think it’s sad that you feel that way. If it’s any use, I do think things are significantly more level-headed on DiS v2 and whenever anyone of us harks back to some of the ‘edgy’ v1 threads and posters it is not to the thread you referred to: that was unforgiveable and (in my experience) very rare.

#32

Might not be “that” thread, which was the extreme culmination of the same spirit, but it was the atmosphere and social environment which led to it.

Here I am ambushed by it again when all I meant to do was put up a nice photo of Ljublana. And before anyone patronises me again by saying I should just step away, these things are worth addressing.

#33

Yes this is true, but that “level headedness” can still be quite boy’s club hivemindish at times. I often step away from discussions I find quite alienating, and think what’s the point of expending any energy addressing this.

#34

What I thought was a funny comment was clearly stupid and part of the nastiness to which I referred. It’s no excuse, but I never thought the nastiness manifested itself apart from some witty comments here and there, and that was wrong. I was wrong to make the comment I made. The new boards are more welcoming than the old ones, and I don’t want to return to the old ones at all. I will try harder to not be awful in the future.

#35

you’re not awful x

#36

I was wondering what happened to penoid.

#38

Nah she said she just takes sabbaticals from time to time. I dont think it was anything content wise

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#39

I don’t think she’s coming back this time. But who knows.

#40

Don’t worry about it.

#41

‘The lot of you’ is just plainly wrong

#42
#43

NOT ALL MEN!!!

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#44

So yeah, I’m tired of all this completely fruitless emotional labour. It’s not like there has been any big OMG THIS IS TERRIBLE drama (for @incandenza). It’s just death by a thousand cuts and the sense of just complete and utter futility.

I come on here today to post some pretty photos of Ljubljana and then got a slap in the face reminder of all the times people treated me and other people like crap, and a good chunk of the people on here at the time (many who are still active members) stood by and saw it as TOTAL BANTZ and I had to argue and argue and reason and reason with people to even get treated as a human being and I think why the fuck did I bother. I don’t enjoy debating that much, it’s just the only tool I’ve got to convince people to listen to me. The fact I’ve had to even work so hard to convince people to listen to me is a problem in itself.

It reminds me that although new and way way better people have joined this site, the old guard are still here, and at heart it isn’t actually intended for me while they still hang around so much. It’s still at heart the inadequate beddwetting ageing indie man clubhouse. I am allowed to be here on sufferance as long as I don’t point out anything inconvenient, and when I do point anything out the odds are that the backlash I get will be way higher than the person who did the thing.

Again and again and again I seem to (or darwinbabe or penoid) be expected to patiently explain social interaction and basic decent treatment of others to grown men (many of whom are richer and have way more social capital than me), and patiently wait through their petulant little tantrums at every step and never ever lose patience. Like they’re toddlers who are having trouble sharing their box of bricks.

It’s the psychological equivalent of doing the washing up really crappily and then standing by deliberately uselessly in the hope your mum will step in and do it for you, and never make you do it again because it’s “difficult”.

The consensus here is often completely fucked. For example CG. For new people he is a guy who gets banned again and again and comes back under new usernames. He gets banned because he thinks he’s a daring edgelord, but he’s actually a bigoted racist in the Katie Hopkins vein (with a similar pathetic need for attention). I’ve had a pop at him numerous times, esp as our paths cross a little in real life. In the past the reaction was “hey! we know he’s a racist, but he’s our pet racist. Leave him alone outsider! He bought me a beer once” and it took a lot of persistence to stop that being a common attitude. Which is just fucked.

I’m used to people who have their own sense of how to treat people decently, and are not too lazy to put themselves in other people’s shoes and be considerate of others.

And the aggressive use of injokes to shut things down and exclude people rankles. Like what @ZooKeepersBoy did up there. It says “Shut up outsider. You’re not really one of us.”.

Basically the whole thing is the passive weak side of toxic masculinity. It’s not macho posturing, it’s fear of sincerity or feelings. It’s the stench of the school changing room.

Also one of the things that constantly bothers me on this site, but I just leave rather than constantly pick a fight is the way a subset of straight men here talk about their romantic partners. The whole tone is straight from a 70s sitcom. Er indoors. The ball and chain. That woman they’ve been lumbered with who likes all that shit pointless woman stuff. Every time I see it I think “wow I hope no-one has ever talked about me like that to other people. Do they even care about this woman?”. Which is pretty sad. And then sometimes a weird mocking attitude towards men who are proud of their significant others. Because showing people you care about them is obviously terrifying.

The whole thing every time it crops up reminds me that’s there’s a bunch of people around who don’t quite see me as a real person, and it’s not a good idea to let my guard down. Seeing as the point of the place is to pleasantly waste some time, that isn’t good.

Don’t at me. I don’t want to answer. It’s too much exhausting work for no gain.

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