Online dating

etc
pof
grindr
tindr
match

#1102

It can be a total headfuck. Think it’s good to be able to recognise what’s happening and step away for a bit if you can

It’s a bit like a gambler chasing their loses - feelings of rejection/ poor self image are massively amplified when online dating. The wise thing to do is to take a break and build yourself back for a bit, but it’s so easy to keep swiping searching for some ego boost/ validation to make yourself feel better


#1103

One friend of mine tried online dating and gave up because she took every “rejection” too personally. Her mental health suffered. That was four years ago. Three years and eleven months ago she met a man at a party and they’ve been living together for the past two years.


#1104

right? it’s kind of weirdly addictive.

Like there’s a girl I’m having to really hold back from now after a couple of weeks of really good chat I asked if she wanted to meet up and she called me out for being pushy and I explained it’s my anxiety and now the veil has slipped and she’s not talking and ffs. Hopefully, given I felt we’ve had a pretty good connection, if I give it time there might still be something there but christ.

That and the Norwegian girl I completely fucked it up with last week has been really bothering me these past few days


#1105

I know, I know. I mean thankfully (I guess) because I have some awareness of my mental health I’m also aware that rejection can really get to me so I’m really trying to take it as it comes and get better each time. But also fully aware the likelihood of this or something totally random or even someone you already know is all pretty equally long odds


#1106

you asked her out and she said that was pushy? Not sure that’s fair unless she said no/ not sure and then you pushed

I’m sure I’ve said this before on here, and I’m sure their are exceptions, but in my experience (and I’ve been doing this on and off for a fair while) - there is no harm in asking someone out after a few messages, Extended chats with no dates are a very bad sign IMO - it indicates you are talking to someone who is not really ready to date, Face to face meeting is all that matters.


#1107

nah, the pushy bit was that I followed it up with “no worries if you can’t/don’t want to” or something along those lines. By her own admission though from what’s she’s told me she has a very high defensive mechanism, but when that’s not happening we’ve seemingly being getting on really well (though obviously won’t be fully representative of irl), just seems a shame to waste that but I think/hope the answer here is to just chill out for a couple days? Idk.


#1108

your follow up sounds fine and non pushy to me.

I’d just leave it to her to get in touch again if she doesn’t want to - try not to sweat it though. Everyone brings their own issues and insecurities to dating. I’ve not wanted to see people again for all kinds of reasons that are not really a slight on them at all (for example one girl reminded me too much of an ex. Not her fault but would have been odd for me). If you remember this I think it makes the inevitable rejection a bit easier to take less personally


#1109

It made me hate the internet briefly because I think it’s partly just the way she read it and got annoyed that it seemed like I was demanding an answer or something, idk. It just seems a shame to lose it over a relatively small thing, if that’s what happens, I feel like we have earned at least a meet up and see how it goes…

but yes I know, everyone’s fucked, thats ok. :wink:


#1110

I was of the opinion that I expected rejection, maybe even deserved it. Who’d want me? But I also figured that there was surely at least one person out there amongst the billions on the planet. And the only way for that one weird individual to find me was for me to get out in the world. And there’s no reason for it not to include online dating sites. But then I met Clive in a bar in Dalston…


#1111

think you’ve got the opening paragraph of your autobiographical novel here


#1112

Fixed That For… Me.


#1113

UPDATE: she just messaged me there saying “I think we want different things from this, I’m just trying to improve on myself” which is interesting because 1) I don’t think I have every particularly made reference as to “what I want” and 2) that’s… actually kinda the reason I’m on Tinder too?

i’ve replied saying as much and that “I feel we connect well and it would be a shame to lose that, but 100% respect your decision if you feel otherwise”


#1114

so… did you take him down a peg or two?


#1115

LMAO no he unmatched me when I didn’t tell him the size of my MELONS


#1116

Sounds like she’s got stuff going on or she’s trying to let you down gently, either way it’s not on you and there’s not much you can do.

I’ve had the ‘I’m just not looking for anything serious right now’ from someone I’d been dating for a while, about two weeks after our last date she hooked up with someone else who she has since married and had a kid with. He looks like James Nesbitt (like a LOT).

So yeah ladies, if you’re looking for the one just go out with me because you’ll be guaranteed to find someone better immediately afterwards. I’ve been out with a few people who have met someone they have married and had a kid with immediately after me, it seems to be a pattern.


#1117

yep, pretty much. Just a bit of a bummer tbh especially we seemed to connect and by the sounds of it want the same thing?! Very frustrating. Was kinda expecting this though after the sudden radio silence. (which it’s gone back to now, after what was fairly quick fire chat)

ha man that’s brutal, THIS IS ALL SO BRUTAL


#1118

I think it’s for the best that you didn’t draw attention to yourself because that situation had too much potential to be awkward and embarrassing for all concerned, and having bumped into you in the pub she might have felt it was a bit too close to home.


#1119

agreed, I believe that’s why I didn’t. It also doesn’t really matter as I’m away to London for the month as of tomorrow anyway.


#1120

Yup, at some point I am going to have to get back up off the canvas and give it another go, really not looking forward to it tbh. I did meet someone that I really really connected with only she didn’t see it as a romantic thing and has since married this complete arsehole. What can you do eh.


#1121

An autobiographical play centred around my Bumble experience

MANCHES: She’s pretty

MANCHES swipes right

MANCHES: Goodbye forever

times a billion

(intermission, get yer unsatisfactorily small tubs of ice cream and all this and that)

times a billion again