#255

"I’ve been in two open relationships before which ended because feelings developed beyond the original, erm, “agreement”

That for me is why I don’t think open relationships work. They’re sort of doomed to fail because you’re fighting against inevitable feelings developing. In monogamous relationships you welcome those feelings developing. In open relationships you’re fighting against those feelings developing. Case in point, a friend of mine who was in a 6 month open relationship started to develop feelings for the guy, wanted commitment and he couldn’t give it so she broke up with him because he couldn’t give her the commitment that she wanted. I mean, that can equally happen in monogamous relationships but in monogamous relationships there’s an almost unspoken agreement of commitment that you don’t have to fight against…

I dunno, I’m just rambling. I made this thread mainly because of my friend who has agreed to an open relationship just to make her boyfriend happy. She doesn’t want to go off with anyone else herself. She’s content just being with him. But she’s concerned that he’s not satisfied with her sexually and in her own words, ‘I no longer have to worry about him wanting to go off with other girls’. I just think that’s a crap reason to be in an open relationships. She’s finding it hard to do and I feel for her.

I dunno. Fuck it.

#256

Can see how this was annoying.

I think I mentioned jealousy, myself, as a reason why I’d find it difficult at this stage in my life to adjust to poly relationships. That’s my issue though.

Hopefully this and subsequent discussions on here will feature no piling on anyone.

#257

That’s just not enough data to say open relationships don’t work.

A bit like saying that because you’d been in two plane crashes air travel can’t work.

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#259

Agree entirely that the open relationship you’re describing sounds doomed though. She has to want to be in one too.

#260

I disagree. There’s an example in there, but there’s also a general argument preceding it.

A thing that interests me about that post though is that it contains the word “commitment” three times, which is three times more than it had appeared in the whole of this thread up to that point. Inevitably someone will assume I’m taking some sort of stand here, but in reality the only point I’m making is that commitment is an extremely important part of my own relationship and I’m surprised it seems to be so little discussed here.

#261

Hang on. You disagree with what? My suggestion that anecdotes from two people is too little data to write off a relationship model?

#262

I disagree that you can write off Zygotic’s point on the basis of two case examples, because there was a previous sentence describing the argument from a general perspective. The case examples were for illustration.

#264

This general point. Again, I’m not endorsing it.

#265

You don’t seem to be describing an open relationship there. You’re describing the start of most monogamous relationships where there comes a point where one party requires “exclusivity”.
The women doesn’t seem to understand open relationships it seems.
(or what I worry about and ties into the whole only if they all agree thing is that she may have been going along with it in the hope he would change his mind in the future and decide monogamy is for him)

#266

But an open relationship isn’t just sex, is it?
You can be in love with more than 1 person in an open relationship. So why are you fighting any developing feelings?
(this is not a q aimed at you Colin really)

#267

sorry I don’t understand this.

#268

There’s no data at all. I never said there was.

I can only go on anecdotal evidence, and that anecdotal evidence is people I know who have been in open relationships.

I have actually urged my friend to reconsider, but when you’re in love, you’re in love. Human beings have a tendency to do irrational things. She seems so concerned about his happiness that she’s forgot to look after her own.

#269

The fact that some open relationships do work is enough to write off his argument.

#270

Yup agreed. That’s certainly a better counterargument.

#271

It might have been more helpful to say that they wouldn’t work for you rather than that they don’t work fullstop.

#272

huh
He’s not arguing that they don’t work. He’s just saying he’s tried it and it doesn’t work FOR HIM.

edit: oh the other guy ignore me

#273

I suppose it’s all dependent on our definition of ‘work’.

Unless we all mirror the tendency of swans and mate with one partner for life, can monogamy be deemed to ‘work’?

Again, I can only go on anecdotal evidence. I suppose open relationships can ‘work’, but I don’t know anyone who has been in one making it ‘work’. And no, it wouldn’t work for me.

#276

Agreed.

#277

Actually @meowington since you’re here I thought I’d raise this post of yours from yesterday. Initially I thought I didn’t agree with you, but on rereading I see your point and think it’s fair and accurate.

Specifically taking your last sentence from a personal perspective, it’s certainly true. You’re lucky if you meet someone you feel romantically attached to who can also fulfil friendlike and companionship roles to some extent too, but certainly it’s possible. Likewise (and I hope I’m getting your point here) it’s possible you’ll meet more than one person who can do this. For myself I spent a lot of my life looking for one and was mightily grateful when I did. Since then (and before I guess) there have been other potential candidates, but personally I don’t view it as denying myself to not pursue those avenues. And I get benefits from keeping my romantic desires exclusive.

#278

Yes I fully accept this. But I would have thought the issue with commitment (however one chooses to define it on a case by case basis) would be more complex to negotiate in an open relationship and would therefore have expected it to have found its way into this discussion somewhere along the line.

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