#138

When I was younger, I didn’t come across that view very often either, it would have been seen as old-fashioned. However now I am at an age where most people my age are married, the people I talk to seem to think you have to drop friends of the opposite sex once you’re married. Maybe the issue is that I’m single so there is some suspicion that I have some ulterior motive, we can’t double-date etc.

#140

There’s this right posh house I often walk past with a grand piano in the front room and quite a lot of the time there’s different people in there jamming with all manner of instruments. I always feel like just knocking on the door and asking to join in.

2 Likes
#141

holding an accordian

#142

I was in an open relationship for just over a year. Initially, it made me feel a lot more connected to him than ever before, and I knew we’d have to navigate some new/unusual feelings but we could talk it through and it’d be okay. A few months in I’d slept with one or two people, and told him, and he’d not been particularly enthuses and made a few disparaging remarks, so that bummed me out. Not long after I found out he’d been sleeping with other people and had failed to tell me, and that really fucked me over to be honest. I think that was the beginning of the end of our relationship.

To summaries: open relationships are great but you have to be open with each other.

2 Likes
#144

We have this in our front room. I’m not a massive fan cause I like to bog out and see whos coming. The door bell makes me jump too much cause I can’t see anyone coming up the path!

#147

Yes, I don’t think anyone instinctively wonders whether both halves of a monogamous relationship are going to be able hack the commitment.

When actually, it’s a really pertinent question that far too few people consider properly when making life-long promises to someone.

1 Like
#148

Would you though?

I feel like it would make me question more things if they were telling me they didn’t want me to see a friend. Surely the trust has to work both ways as well in that they should trust you and your judgement of your friendship/loyalties etc.

I’d be alarmed if I was asked not to hang out with a male friend.

3 Likes
#149

Well she has said “if it were just up to you and me we’d be talking more” and she doesn’t say her husband is the other person but it’s obvious. Also we know each other inside out - we had an awkward Skype conversation once where he was clearly listening out of shot and I could see on her face that she was willing me to infer the things she was not able to say because he was obviously listening.

It’s a bit of a chicken and egg. I don’t like him mainly because he’s a control freak who dictates who his wife can be friends with. I was pretty much the last one she had left and now I’ve been cut out too. He has never made any attempt to be civil with me, ever, from the moment we met when of course I had no reason not to make an effort because all the trouble with him came months and years later. Guy’s an arsehole.

On the flip side, my best friend is fairly-recently married and I get on with her husband absolutely fine, we’ve never had any problems and have been on road trips just the three of us, etc. Because we live in different countries he always makes sure we have time to ourselves and makes himself scarce even though I’m happy to hang out with him as well. Because he’s not a possessive jerk.

I think the thing that annoys me most is that if you’re married to someone then you should have their best interests at heart. My friend told me I was pretty much the last friend she had left from her pre-marriage life (and meant it in a nice way, like our friendship has endured), and very soon after her husband stepped in to put an end to it. I don’t suppose for a minute that she is happier having no friends left because she is in a foreign country with no-one to talk to. If you sabotage your significant other’s happiness because of your own insecurities, then you’re a dick.

#150

Yeah I think that’s sort of my point. Your relationship/marriage comes first and obviously I get that but a reasonable person wouldn’t try and dictate and if they do then that should set off alarm bells.

#152

My relationship/marriage doesn’t come first if its something that will affect me personally.

I understand you don’t want to upset your partner but do you think it will end with that? Nope. Next it’ll be “don’t wear that” and “do you really want to be eating that?”.

I don’t know why this whole thing with love and relationships is putting the other person first and above yourself. It shouldn’t feel like that and if it does feel like that, it’s probably not right for you. It should feel like you’re both first and up there TOGETHER. Not one person having to sacrifice something to please the other.

4 Likes
#153

Also, not a new friend, we’ve known each other 20 years.

1 Like
#154

I wouldn’t be willing to entertain that. Might be different for men cause of the whole “under the thumb” thing but if that was towards a woman, it screams control. And I’m not game for that.

Obviously it would be an entirely different story if you’ve met a random woman on the street then i’d be like ahh ok I need to know more about this new friendship. But asking someone to no longer be friends with a long term friend of the opposite sex is out of line imo. It shows huge insecurities from the person who is asking it and thats ENTIRELY FINE to be insecure. But that won’t stop the insecurities. Learn more about people, grow, evolve together etc.

2 Likes
#156

Yeah I get you but that would be more cause for concern if that happened. Like where has this come from? Are you feeling threatened? Are you feeling unloved? Are you feeling depressed? etc etc
I would never just be like OK DEAR.

4 Likes
#158

I assumed all along that you’d expect to talk about, discuss and understand it rather than just be “okay” completely unquestioningly though, no?

#159

THANK YOU for being the only person who doesn’t make me feel like I’ve gone completely insane by even suggesting something might be up with this.

This whole conversation is making me desperately sad.

1 Like
#161

Difficult one for any of us to talk about too much without knowing a lot more. From what you’ve outlined, it sounds like there’s a lot going on in her relationship that doesn’t seem too healthy beyond just her partner having issues with her spending time with you.

1 Like
#163

NO YOU’RE NOT YOU SHIT CUNT

5 Likes
#165

So long as you don’t learn too quick… can’t have you acting all reasonable all the time :wink:

1 Like
#166

I’m sorry you felt sad by this but it’s totally understandable. Your friendship seems completely out of your control and there is nothing questionable about it from either side.

Unfortunately, your friend may have left it too long to put her foot down and if he has controlling tendencies, she probably sees it as rocking the boat too much to put up a fight about it. She obviously still cares for you very much to still keep in touch although not to the same extent.

I’m afraid I have no good advise but I can confirm its not normal or fine :frowning:

(I’d probably suggest still sending presents but leaving them unlabeled and just telling the friend they’re from you. Things may change in the future but keeping the connection with her is still important I think so she has someone to turn to if she needs help)

#168

Yeah sorry that wasn’t aimed at you, I meant that everyone I have mentioned to about this has come across like ‘yup, that’s perfectly acceptable for a man to decide he doesn’t want his wife to be friends with a man any more’, like NOBODY can see it might not be okay and that’s what I meant by it sometimes makes me feel like I’m losing my mind.

I now feel really uncomfortable that I’ve blurted out something all over the internet that I probably shouldn’t have done because… sometimes these things come out :(. It is very much not resolved and I guess Christmas is a time of year I tend to reflect on some of these things.