People who


Lose things. Stop losing things ffs.



stop their car wherever the fuck they want and just stick their hazards on as if this magically absolves them of blocking traffic for the sake of their own convenience



drive 10 mph below the speed limit on a clear straight road in good conditions. You’re getting in the way.



have had an irksome morning


I am SO bad at looking for stuff. Like, if anything is slightly obscured (a book under another book, say) I literally can’t find it. LITERALLY.

Drives my wife insane (understandably).



Are Epimer


I am too, but I’ve got the moral high ground for a bit now: 'er indoors lost her keys on the way to the doctor this morning. House key, car key, bike lock key, only garage key between the two of us: lost. Phones me up in a panic and to arrange logistics for the rest of the day. I get her to retrace her steps. Check her bag. Tip it out. Have you checked all of your bag? Definitely? Ok.

I have now received a text saying that they were in the one pocket of her bag that she hadn’t checked.

Deep breaths. Deep, soothing breaths.


My friend Andy does this all the time.

I’ve lost my wallet! We can’t leave to go to the fun thing!

Have you checked your pockets?

yes, of course! Fuck, what are we going to do? We’re gonna miss out on the fun thing.

repeat 5 times

It was in my back pocket. Sorry.

(late for the fun thing)



misuse the word whom


Why do these people not understand that you’ve got to have a system?

Of course, you then have to live with the frequent terror of thinking you’ve lost things simply because they’re not fully in accordance with the system, but that strain on your heart is a small price to pay to stop mildly inconveniencing those around you occasionally.


fuck! My train pass isn’t in my right-hand trouser pocket!

…ah wait, it’s just the other side of my wallet in my right-hand pocket. Note to self: be more careful with train pass positioning in future.


I lost my bus pass in school once. Never again, I swore.

And that’s my origin story.



Really blows my mind that people are able to regularly lose keys, wallets etc. Surely they are always either in the place where they’re kept or in your hand whilst being used


wallet is always in front right pocket. when i go to the supermarket i’ll stick a bag in my back pocket. when i’m done at the self service, i’ll pay, then get my bag out. for some reason i seem to automatically then stick my wallet in my back pocket (where the bag was) rather than in the front pocket where it should go.

causes all kinds of chaos.


Lose things on a night out and think it’s been stolen.

“My bags been stolen! Oh wait, I left it in a cab”


Type loudly on trains


Sounds like you need to tweak the system tbh


People who live in the flat downstairs


I do this but in the confines of my home

Where the fuck are my glasses? I can’t find them? Jesus Christ where could it have gone???
Babe go look in the bedroom for my glasses pls?? Not in there?? Ok try spare room desk!!

Oh I’m sitting on them! Never mind!


After Broad City, this is now ingrained every time we leave somewhere