Regale us with stories of your terrible housemates

Couples in houseshares are never a good thing if you’re a third party.

I had one years ago who would go out to clubs and make friends with strangers by sharing his cocaine. Then he’d bring them back to the house in the early hours. They would then do drugs of various kinds, playing music too loud and generally being party animals with no concern about disturbing housemates or neighbours.

He would take my stuff, beers and food, from the fridge and when I tackled him about it he said, “In my country people share.” When I asked other Spanish friends about this, they told me he was talking rubbish. I got a mini fridge from someone on Freecycle and kept it in my room.

He would keep his bedroom door open at all times except when he was sleeping, so that he could monitor everything going on in the house and complain if something wasn’t to his liking. Even if it contradicted how he himself behaved.

My then boyfriend moved in with me. He was also Spanish and so could verify that a lot of the stuff he said that was “normal in my country” was indeed bullshit. However, this arsehole would bully my boyfriend when I was out. Eventually, having nowhere else to go, my boyfriend moved back to Spain. My then boyfriend kept this all from me, unnecessarily ashamed at what was happening, so that I had no idea what was going on until after he’d gone and I’d gone to Spain to see him.

Six months after I moved out, I received a summons for non-payment of council tax. Instead of getting a new contract from the landlord, he’d just tippexed out a name, photocopied the old contract and had the new flatmate sign it.

I had to go to the council offices and prove where I’d been living and they deleted my “debt” to them.

(I found the new flatmate on Facebook and told her all about it. By then she’d also moved out, having stayed only six months, for obvious reasons. She later told me that he’d then contacted her wanting half the council tax money. I told her to tell him to piss off. She then told me he was whining that he’d had to pay the whole council tax money by himself and it meant he couldn’t go on holiday that year. A very small payback by my thinking.)

When I later found myself booked to DJ at the same event as his (new) girlfriend, I told them to take me off the advertising and that I wasn’t doing it with her. I then said why I had pulled out on the Facebook page. He contacted the police and told them that I was harassing them online. The cop who phoned me took his side completely. FFS. (He worked as a substitute art teacher, despite no teaching training or qualifications, and the cop considered that a teacher’s word is automatically worth more than mine. Cunts)

I mean, in a way, don’t we all?

18 Likes

Guy who refused to ever tidy or clean anything; dropped crisps all over his bedroom floor once and put a towel over then rather than get the hoover out- stayed that way for 7 months.

Guy who always took a shit with the toilet door open as he saw it as asserting his alpha male dominance.

Dealer who was very nice, but living with him meant regularly being woken up in the middle of the night by people at the front door, resulting in arguments when he wasn’t around when I couldn’t sort them out (“What do you mean you won’t go and get me some drugs to swap with this laptop I appear to have stolen from a local college? You must know where he keeps everything, so what’s the problem?”).

:scream::scream::scream:

2 Likes

i had a housemate who did this once, not to assert dominance :smiley: but coz he was high as a kite. he used to come home after nights out and start making sandwiches with his credit card and then sack it off leaving all the fucked up bread and margarine everywhere with his card just buried in it all. one day he came home shitfaced and kicked the router across the living room

3 Likes

My first uni houseshare, I had three flatmates (all female). One had a nervous breakdown and got carted off by her parents, to be replaced by another person who was clearly also very unwell (he used to dress up as a priest and walk up and down the hall swinging a thurible, and the house pure stank of myrrh. I think he thought he actually was a priest. He wasn’t. He was a History of art student.)

The other two housemates had a running feud. A poured bleach into H’s shampoo bottle, H found out (you’d have to be pretty dim not to notice that your thick floral scented shampoo had become watery and bleach scented), so H did a thing to one of A’s shoes so that the heel would snap and she would hurt herself (didn’t work). Then A spread a rumour that H had got HIV+ after having 5-way at the Piers Gaveston ball. H ended up marrying a very rich Arab and has never worked a day in her life (unless you count the marriage as ‘work’ which I suspect one might). A was until recently CEO of a large london hedge fund, until the fca shut it down.
The ‘priest’ has never left oxford and works for the OUP.

My second flatshare was a bit more tame. Three lads, two of whom are now tory MPs.

10 Likes

Had an entire family inc a baby and another young child renting a small room in my previous shared place for a couple of months. think they were Romanian and he was there working on a PhD project. not terrible but an odd situation

My housemate in 2nd year got me drunk in an attempt to make me consent to her getting a pet snake

Still said no, she got really arsey about it.

3 Likes

There’s someone in our fucking office who does that. It’s grim.

The country’s finest…

Guy I lived with towards the end of Uni had a massive Diet Coke habit. Yes, the drink, and, like, 4-5 2L bottles a day. And he never threw them away, just filled his room with them. There was a path between his bed, desk and door and the rest was just empty diet coke bottles. Weird guy.

1 Like

most of mine have been ok, if incredibly messy / never cleaning, that sort of thing. it has annoyed me sometimes. like one at university getting jizz on the toilet rim and not cleaning it up. clean up your jizz, maan.

Had a housemate who never tidied up ever and ended up with mice living in her room. When her room got too messy to actually walk across, she just started climbing over all of the rubbish to get to bed. Her boyfriend also once got into a fight on a night out and ended up dripping blood all over our bathroom.

What is it about Diet Coke that inspires this weirdness? One of the highers-up here drinks at least a dozen cans a day.

I just read this on another website:

It’s Sunday morning. you roll out of bed and meander to the bathroom to take your morning piss.

But when you open the door, you see your startled roommate standing over the sink, naked.

If only it were as simple as walking in on him masturbating. No. This was far weirder.

My roommate was blow drying his ballsack.

At first I thought he had finished a shower and chose a weird method of drying off. No. This was far weirder.

I see a puddle of wax underneath him.

ME: What are you doing?

HIM: Uh…

I leave. I didn’t want to see his bulbous naked body anymore.

Later that day he explains to me what happened…

He stumbled into some fundraiser party that was raising money for starving children in the third world. At the party, some guy was letting people take strips of hot wax, put it on his hairy chest, and rip it off. People were paying a few dollars a strip to watch this guy wince in pain.

Apparently, most of the people at the party were sober. My roommate was sloshed. He wasn’t even invited to this party. But he took it upon himself to “outdo” the guy at the front.

My roommate shouts, “That’s nothing! This guy’s a pussy!”

He must have gotten some weird looks, but not enough to deter him.

He persisted, “For $100 I’ll wax my balls!”

Women in that audience gasped. One shouted, “Ewww…I don’t want to see that…”

As my roommate grabbed the wax, people awkwardly shuffled away.

Not noticing, my roommate proceeded to smother his balls in hot wax.

When he noticed his audience was gone, he didn’t have the motivation to tear off the strips, so he zipped his pants back up.

Supposedly he passed out soon after that in these people’s backyard, woke up Sunday morning, and walked home. He then realized the wax had cooled and was stuck all over his balls.

He googled, “how to get hot wax off your balls”.

Then decided on the blow drying method.

Which I unfortunately had to witness.

8 Likes

Does he stack the empties up on his desk to make a fort?

Yeah I’ve noticed this. It’s always Diet Coke that people have weird obsessions with.

@hip_young_gunslinger

should have googled ‘how to get cold wax off your balls’

what an idiot

2 Likes