School Myths

I made a thread about School before…but this time I just want to focus on those tales passed around that you weren’t sure if they were fact/fiction (or you were sure…but its entertaining nonetheless)

  • A rumour persisted across the school that a particularly studious, straight-edge history teacher had an alter ego called DJ Spartacus, the “first DJ to DJ naked”.

Mr Parton keeps Mrs Parton in the boot of his car. James Burrows came in early one morning and saw him pull up and open the boot and she got out.


Mr Eaton goes off to the back of Somerfield car park every lunchtime to smoke dope.

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There was a rumour that went round for years that Mr Atkinson had a ginger wife


Mr Dryden was ploughing Miss Bastin (and Miss Bastin was “a druggie”)

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Girl. Dog. Dog food. Bite. Replacement plastic quim.


I used to play bass in Replacement plastic quim.


Mr Whalley’s strange gait was caused by massive piles.

Drew did a poo at Abbie’s House and it wouldn’t flush so he threw it out of the window and her mum found it on the patio

Mr Brinded couldn’t wee standing up

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Mr Hough went to Mr Matthew’s engagement party but got steaming and defecated in a wardrobe…which is why they never spoke to each other

C**** Tilley had a 10 foot willy and showed it to the girl next door who thought it was a snake and hit it with a rake thus reducing it’s length considerably (to 5’ 4’’)


Not a rumour but when we were in Year 11 it was Miss Osman’s 40th birthday and the whole school went nuts, everyone assumed she was at least 60, still can’t get over it to this day


mr baggy pants (IT teacher) had a mail order bride (turned out true) and kept Polaroids of girls in the playground in his desk drawer (apparently he was questioned, but i believe it was untrue)

Post/profile pic


Mr Lynch only has two toes and a false ear

Daryl McPhedren had an 10 incher

(proved to be true when he showed me in a Maths class, I’m not sure I ever got over the intimidation)

Mr Cullen the maths teacher was so clever that he’d been barred from a load of pubs for working out the probabilities of the fruit machines paying out and emptied a load of them

Turns out this was probably true cos a few years after I left someone found a video of him being interviewed after winning a six-figure sum at a poker tournament


AS had no foreskin because he sneezed while doing a wee and his foreskin exploded and he had to be circumcised


Head of PE only has one ball.

Looked at one of those “review your teachers” websites a few years ago and the most recent review for him said “[PE teacher] has only got one ball” and it was nice to see that some things haven’t changed.