Simple everyday things that you are properly shit at

Packing bags to go somewhere. Always leave it a bit to the last minute and always forget at least one thing. I spend half of the journey going somewhere trying to figure out what I’ve forgotten.

Being on time


Same! Never been able to do it, my gag reflex just makes me spit them out.

My GF and my doctor all think I’m shit.

I’ve structured my life so that ironing is never necessary. Honestly have no idea what I’d do in a situation where I had to do it now, guess I’d have to send it out or something. I’d end up with a shirt with a huge crease down the front.


Tying my shoelaces. I was shit at it before I became an inflexible paunchy middle-aged man. Now I need suitably raised surfaces to even start the job. Slip-ons ahoy!

^This to the onion.
Assuming that there is a way to do them without them squirting from my grasp, just can’t be arsed to find out

The best way to chop an onion is to leave the hairy bit at the bottom intact, just cut it in half and then the hairy bit keeps it all in place to be able to dice it without it going everywhere.


Throwing a ball over-handed.

If a tennis ball lands at my feet in a park, I sheepishly throw it back under-handed.

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I am an absolute Don at shirt-ironing.


No you’re not. Nobody is.

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Think your onions have been dropped on the floor pal. None of mine are hairy

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Sharp knife

Collar - Yoke - Sleeves - Body
Piece o piss

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Also stick a fork on the top of said ‘hairy bit’ and use that to hold the onion in place.

Gordon knows:

Closing my files

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Zip or button?

I am quite bad at doing my fly up. I get mad when my wife points it out because it feels humiliating and emasculating to be told so I’m like “I was GOING TO.”

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Folding clothes

I’ve never folded a t shirt and then when it comes to wear it not have it be a creased mess

I have a razor at my work desk for this very reason. Used it THIS VERY MORNING.

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