Simple stuff you should know but don't

I had to sing the national anthem (not solo) for the first time in my life at a fucking Masonic lunch I got dragged to (no, I’m not, the ex’s dad is and I couldn’t get out of it). Mildly bonded with someone with mutual panicked eye contact when the second verse started.

Ha yes, so much this. There’s always one line I forget… ~googles~ Et ta valeur, de foi trempée,

What order the letters in ‘manoeuvre’ go in.


In some Anglican churches, they’ll say ‘the grace’ at the end of the service (may the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ and the love of God and the fellowship of the Spirit be with us all, forevermore, amen). Most of an average Anglican service is written out for you in advance on the order of service, but this isn’t. And for some reason, people swivel their heads round whilst saying this, and try to make eye contact with as many people as possible. Which is obviously terrifying if you’ve not the faintest idea what’s going on.

Pretty much everything, now that YouTube tutorials can be called on for the completion of any task.

Had a half-invite to the masons a couple of weeks ago, heh.

I’ve had three separate Masons individually try to recruit me. I don’t like it.

Trying to spot the stealth Catholics, I imagine.

I was vaguely interested until the guy in question started telling me how god-bothering it is. Started off sounding like a cool secret cult for professions, you scratch my back I’ll scratch yours, but no… it’s the WI for old blokes.


banned act


It really is a (massively sexist) sad lonely men’s club. I asked people there why they liked it and they said things like “companionship” and “knowing anywhere in the world I go there will be people I have common ground with”. Just pretend to like football like everybody else if that’s a concern, you sad old fuck!


/ non-denominationals (the nonsense in the church I grew up in was altogether different)

The right direction/order to cross yourself. Grandparents were catholic, but my grandad was pretty anti religion, and since that point no-one in that part of the family has followed any religion or gone to church (although my mum and my aunt believe in a load of new age crap instead).

So when I was about 8 or so I went to a catholic relative’s wedding, and had a go at crossing myself when everyone else did. Except I managed to do it backwards and earnt a few death glares off the priest.

Long division. Didn’t ever learn how to do it at school because I skipped ahead in primary school maths somehow (definitely not a maths whizz, my parents just hothoused me with maths workbooks when I was a kid). Anyway we have smartphones now

Spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch.

death glare

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I was walking past the big Freemasons building in Covent Garden a little while ago, and they had a sign out saying they had an open day and you could poke around, so I went in.

They were just a bit too friendly. I expected it to be all secretive, but it was all “oh please feel free to go in there” “yes, please take some photos” “if you stay for 45 minutes more, we can give you a free tour of the temple”. I was feeling a bit unsettled by this point, so I left (also disappointed they weren’t living up to my imagination of what secret societies are like). I put a few photos on Instagram, without tags, and just from the location I started getting a load of comments from freemasonry-related usernames saying things like “Oh we’re really friendly now”.

They seemed to be taking a few pointers from cults to get young blood in.

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You could become Spanish instead? And stand around awkwardly for your national anthem since you ditched the facist words but no-one has a clue what to change them to.