You may be expecting MY favourite joke in the OP…but I don’t know what it is. Sorry. I’ll post when it comes to me (or I’ll just like what @Aggpass says)
Curious to know Discobot’s answer to this.
Around the world around the RUdolph. — TheoGB
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too
A man walks into a bar. As he’s ordering a beer, he happens to glance down towards the other end of the bar and see a man with a big orange head. As the bartender brings his beer, the man asks him, “What’s with the guy with the big orange head?”
The bartender chuckles. “Yeah,” he says, “That’s a helluva story, alright. Why don’t you go buy him a drink, and maybe he’ll tell you about it.”
So the man walks over to the guy with the orange head, introduces himself, and offers to buy him a beer. The guy with the orange head says, “Let me guess. You want to hear about the head?”
The first guy says, “Well, yeah. If you don’t mind.”
The man with the orange head says, "Alright. Lord knows I’ve run it over in my mind a million times, anyway. So, it’s like this: One day, I was walking along a beach, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there, sticking out of the sand, was an antique lamp. So I picked it up and brushed away some of the sand, when a big cloud of blue smoke erupted from it. When the smoke cleared, a genie was standing there. And this genie said to me, ‘Thank you for freeing me from my 5,000-year confinement. For doing this, I will grant you two wishes.’
“So, I think, wow, okay. And I do what many people would. For my first wish, I wish to be fantastically wealthy. So the genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly I’m covered in jewels. Hundreds of necklaces, three rings per finger, a crown on my head, and a chest full of gold next to me besides all that.”
At this point in the story, the first man is in amazement. He just can’t believe what he’s hearing. Eager to hear the rest, he says, “So what was your second wish?”
The man with the orange head slowly takes a sip of his beer. He puts it down, and says, “You know. This may be where I went wrong… I wished for a big orange head.”
This is an anti-joke but I’ll allow it because I laughed
So there’s this kid who absolutely loves tractors. Cannot get enough of them, he’s got a tractor duvet, tractor wallpaper, all his toys are tractor based and he cannot wait to reach the age where he can finally take his tractor driving test and devote the rest of his life to using tractors as a job. He’d be doing what he loves, what kind of work is that!
Anyway, many years later and the big day had finally rolled round. The lad got out of his (tractor duvet covered) bed with a spring in his step, poured some cornflakes into his tractor themed bowl and left for the tractor driving test centre.
He was absolutely devastated, got back home and smashed his tractor bowl, pulled the tractor wallpaper off his walls and set fire to his tractor duvet. He vowed that day to never think about tractors ever again in his life.
Many years later, the boy, now a man was sat in his local pub. His life was in tatters and he’d long since turned to the bottle for a bit of solace. In the corner of the pub was a beautiful lady coughing and spluttering as a result of the cigarette smoke of an extremely selfish punter who was stood nearby. The man approached the corner, inhaled a huge amount of the smoke, went outside and exhaled it. The pub was somehow now a smoke free zone. The woman was astonished, thankful but astonished. “How… How did you do that?” she said to our hero… “It’s simple, I’m an ex-tractor fan”
Was walking my dog through a graveyard at dawn. Lovely crisp day, beads of fresh dew on the grass, beams of sunlight coming through the branches of the trees as my dog was running through the old churchyard. Saw a guy crouched down behind one of the gravestones and shouted ‘morning!’. He said ‘no mate I’m just having a shit’
Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.
I don’t wake up until nine!
My faith was not misplaced
Read this in the bard’s voice and literally wet myself
This is great
It’s a Barry Cryer one:
A man gets on a train and sits down opposite a little old lady. As soon as they leave the station, she takes a bible out of her handbag and starts to read it intently. When they arrive at the next station, she marks her place and tucks the book away, but remains seated. The train pulls away, and again she takes the bible out of her handbag, finds her place, and continues reading, only to put it away when the train pulls into the next station. The train pulls away, and again she takes the bible out of her handbag, finds her place, and continues reading, only to put it away when the train pulls into the next station. The train pulls away, and again she takes the bible out of her handbag, finds her place, and continues reading, only to put it away when the train pulls into the next station. The journey continues, with the old lady displaying same behaviour at every station.
By this point the man is very curious, and he can’t help but ask. “Excuse me,” he says, “Why do you read your Bible only when the train is moving, and put it back in your handbag when we stop?”
The old lady marks her place with her finger, looks up and replies, “Why don’t you just fuck off?”
Roman Centurion in a bar:
Centurion: Can I have a Martinus please
Bar man: Don’t you mean Martini?
Centurion: If I wanted a double I’d have said so.
A guy was driving out in the country when he saw a sign saying ‘Talking Dog for Sale.’
He rang the bell and the owner told him the dog was in the backyard.
The guy went into the backyard and saw a Labrador sitting there…
‘You talk?’ he asked.
‘Yes,’ the Lab replied.
‘So, what’s the story?’
The Lab looked up and said, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the police about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.’
‘But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’
The guy was amazed. He goes back in and asked the owner what he wanted for the dog.
‘Ten euros.’ the man said.
‘Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’
‘Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that shíte.’
this is a good joke and I’m going to steal it and pass it off as my own
I struggle to remember jokes - but i like the one about the baker kneeding a poo
Works much better out loud, but: two monkeys are sitting in a bath. One says to the other “Oooooo! Eeee! Ah! Ah!”
The second monkey replies “alright, calm down, I’ll put some cold in”.
What is orange and sounds like a parrot?