My faith was not misplaced

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Read this in the bard’s voice and literally wet myself :rofl::rofl::rofl:

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This is great

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It’s a Barry Cryer one:

A man gets on a train and sits down opposite a little old lady. As soon as they leave the station, she takes a bible out of her handbag and starts to read it intently. When they arrive at the next station, she marks her place and tucks the book away, but remains seated. The train pulls away, and again she takes the bible out of her handbag, finds her place, and continues reading, only to put it away when the train pulls into the next station. The train pulls away, and again she takes the bible out of her handbag, finds her place, and continues reading, only to put it away when the train pulls into the next station. The train pulls away, and again she takes the bible out of her handbag, finds her place, and continues reading, only to put it away when the train pulls into the next station. The journey continues, with the old lady displaying same behaviour at every station.

By this point the man is very curious, and he can’t help but ask. “Excuse me,” he says, “Why do you read your Bible only when the train is moving, and put it back in your handbag when we stop?”

The old lady marks her place with her finger, looks up and replies, “Why don’t you just fuck off?”

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Roman Centurion in a bar:

Centurion: Can I have a Martinus please

Bar man: Don’t you mean Martini?

Centurion: If I wanted a double I’d have said so.

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Another one:

A guy was driving out in the country when he saw a sign saying ‘Talking Dog for Sale.’

He rang the bell and the owner told him the dog was in the backyard.

The guy went into the backyard and saw a Labrador sitting there…

‘You talk?’ he asked.

‘Yes,’ the Lab replied.

‘So, what’s the story?’

The Lab looked up and said, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the police about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.’

‘But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’

The guy was amazed. He goes back in and asked the owner what he wanted for the dog.

‘Ten euros.’ the man said.

‘Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’

‘Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that shíte.’

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this is a good joke and I’m going to steal it and pass it off as my own

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I struggle to remember jokes - but i like the one about the baker kneeding a poo

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Works much better out loud, but: two monkeys are sitting in a bath. One says to the other “Oooooo! Eeee! Ah! Ah!”

The second monkey replies “alright, calm down, I’ll put some cold in”.

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What is orange and sounds like a parrot?

a carrot

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What’s brown and sticky?

Poo

EDIT: Hmm, posted at the same time as the ^above…

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Hiw do you find will smith in the snow?
You follow the fresh prince

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Who’s the coolest person working in a hospital?

The ultra sound doctor

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A DiS classic:

Two bee keepers…
1: “How many bees have you got?”
2: "I’ve got 10,000 bees”
1: “How many hives have you got?”
2: “I’ve got 20 hives”
1: “20 hives; 10,000 bees?”
2: “Yeah. How may bees have you got?”
1: “I’ve got a million bees”
2: “A million bees?!”
1: “Yeah”
2: “How many hives have you got?”
1: “One”
2: “A million bees - one hive?”
1: “Yeah, fuck 'em, they’re only bees”

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Who’s the coolest when he’s not around?

The hip replacement guy

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Yay, healthcare jokes

Spurs will win the league.

Also a Barry Cryer joke. A woman goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The man says 'this ones on sale cause it used to live in a brothel and its language is pretty bawdy. The woman says ‘that’s fine, I’ve got two teenage daughters, I’m used to it’ She takes it home and it looks around and says ‘ooo new room, very nice’ The daughters come home and it says ‘ooo new room, new girls very nice’ Her husband comes in and the parrot looks around and says ‘hello Alan’

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Q. How does King Wenceslas like his pizza?
A. Deep pan, crisp and even

There’s a sausage and an egg frying in a pan. The egg says, “Phew, it’s hot in here.” The sausage says, “Oh my God! A talking egg!”

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Quasimodo walks into a bar, asks the bartender for a whisky.

Bartender says “bells okay?”

“None of your fucking business” says Quasimodo (or something like that idk)

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