Tell me your favourite joke OF ALL TIME

What’s brown and sticky?

Poo

EDIT: Hmm, posted at the same time as the ^above…

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Hiw do you find will smith in the snow?
You follow the fresh prince

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Who’s the coolest person working in a hospital?

The ultra sound doctor

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A DiS classic:

Two bee keepers…
1: “How many bees have you got?”
2: "I’ve got 10,000 bees”
1: “How many hives have you got?”
2: “I’ve got 20 hives”
1: “20 hives; 10,000 bees?”
2: “Yeah. How may bees have you got?”
1: “I’ve got a million bees”
2: “A million bees?!”
1: “Yeah”
2: “How many hives have you got?”
1: “One”
2: “A million bees - one hive?”
1: “Yeah, fuck 'em, they’re only bees”

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Who’s the coolest when he’s not around?

The hip replacement guy

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Yay, healthcare jokes

Spurs will win the league.

Also a Barry Cryer joke. A woman goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The man says 'this ones on sale cause it used to live in a brothel and its language is pretty bawdy. The woman says ‘that’s fine, I’ve got two teenage daughters, I’m used to it’ She takes it home and it looks around and says ‘ooo new room, very nice’ The daughters come home and it says ‘ooo new room, new girls very nice’ Her husband comes in and the parrot looks around and says ‘hello Alan’

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Q. How does King Wenceslas like his pizza?
A. Deep pan, crisp and even

There’s a sausage and an egg frying in a pan. The egg says, “Phew, it’s hot in here.” The sausage says, “Oh my God! A talking egg!”

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Quasimodo walks into a bar, asks the bartender for a whisky.

Bartender says “bells okay?”

“None of your fucking business” says Quasimodo (or something like that idk)

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Where do you weigh whales?

At a whale-weigh station

Where do you weigh pies?

Somewhere over the rainbow, weigh-a-pie

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Two oranges go into a bar, one turns to the other and says ‘your round’

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Sorry for not RTF but my dad’s fave is “What red and invisible? No tomatoes”

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A man is driving down a country lane and sees a sign that says ‘racehorse for sale, £20’ He thinks 'what a bargain, I’ll buy it’s, so he goes to the farm, gives the owner a £20 note and asks to meet his new purchase.

The farmer lets the horse out of the stable and it rubs fast as lightning, straight into a wall. The man thinks it’s a bit strange but you know, these things happen. The horse then sets off again, even quicker, straight into a tree. The man is a bit suspicious now but gives the horse one more chance.

The horse gets up and is off, faster than any horse has ever run, straight over the stream and into the woods, never to be seen again. The man is furious, ‘You’ve sold me a blind horse’ he shouts. Very calmly the farmer replies ‘oh he’s not blind, he just doesn’t give a fuck’

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My actual favourite joke also involves a horse, that can play cricket, but it’s really long and I can typing it out. The punchline is Run? If I could run I’d be at fucking Ascot

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Why did the baker have brown hands?

Why was Henry VIII buried in Westminster Abbey? He was dead

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Two wind turbines are standing in a field together. One asks the other, “what kind of music are you into?” The other replies, “I’m a big metal fan.”

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A sad-looking horse walks into a bar and orders a pint.
The barman says ‘fuck off; we don’t serve horses’

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What do you call a baby Octopus?

I don’t know, but I’ve got an inkling.

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