Tell me your favourite joke OF ALL TIME

Someone in the football thread just made this one:

I missed the Chelsea v Liverpool game last night so I missed Eden’s goal. But from what everyone is saying, I’d hazard a guess that it was a good one!

Properly had me in stitches! Some people are so witty on this website :joy: :joy: :joy:

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oh the football banter

This is my second favourite joke of all time.

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A Roman in the pub.

He says, ‘I’ll get these’. Goes to the bar, gets the bartender’s attention, holds up :v: then :+1:

The bartender comes back with two pints. The Roman says, ‘where are the other three?’

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What’s pink and hard?

pig with a flick knife

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What do you call a hen looking at a lettuce?

Chicken Caesar salad.

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Two pizzas are in the oven. One pizza turns to the other and says “fook me it’s hot in here”, the other says “holy shit! A talking pizza!”

Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says “how do you drive this thing?”

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Think this is as good a thread as any to put this poll in:

Do you think Tim Vine is:

  • Very Funny
  • Sometimes Funny
  • Rarely Funny
  • Never Funny
  • A big bag of shite

0 voters

Not many of his jokes are funny on their own but the speed of them makes me laugh anyway. He also seems like quite a nice man which helps

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Personally quite a big fan of TV…struggle with most stand-up so I appreciate his commitment to sticking with puns (his songs are almost universally bad, however)

A guy takes his poorly gerbil to the vet and says the poor little fellow hasn’t been himself.

The vet takes one look at the gerbil and says “it’s got liver failure, about 3 days to live”

The guy says “you’ve barely looked at him, could we get a second opinion?”

“Of course” said the vet and opened a door at the back of his office.

In walked a labrador who barked twice and left.

“He agrees with me” said the vet.

The guy, growing more agitated asked if there was anyone else who could look at his poorly gerbil and conduct a proper exam.

“Fine” said the vet and opened a small hatch in the corner of the room. In walked a cat who let out a long meow and then ran off.

“The cat agrees with me too!” said the vet.

Now angry, the man says “I’m not happy with this diagnosis - I want some a proper medical opinion!”

The vet says “Sir, you’ve had my opinion, the lab report and a cat scan… what more do you want?”

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An octopus walks into a pub where there’s a band setting up. He says to the barman ‘see that band, I bet you I can play all those instruments better than you’ve ever heard, one beer per instrument’
The barman thinks he’ll make some easy money and takes the bet. The octopus first picks up the guitar and plays amazingly, the barman concedes defeat and gives the octopus a free beer. The same thing happens with the piano and drums.
The last instrument the octopus picks up is some bagpipes. He struggles and wrestles with them, never getting so much as a parp. ‘How come you can play all those other instruments but not those?’ the barman asks.
The octopus replies ‘What do you mean play them? I’m trying to get her bra off!’

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…This is not very funny, sorry

Nor are about 90% of the jokes in this thread, bit odd to post about mine. Thanks for the feedback though, I’ll put it in the special filing cabinet.

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I’ve found around 90% of jokes pretty good, tbh. Clearly there’s not much crossover in terms of sense of humour.

Alright Mitch Hedburg

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Going to see him next Friday. Looking forward to it tbh

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Piece of string walks into a bar. The barman, who is also a piece of string, says “I’m sorry mate, we don’t serve pieces of string in here.”

“But aren’t you a piece of string yourself?” The original piece of string enquires.

“No. I’m a frayed knot”

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I enjoyed it

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