Family patriarch HERBERTIO KNIFE is walking through his house, bedecked as ever in his green knit tanktop and vaping as ever his corn cob e-pipe flavoured with the nostalgic scent of a bygone age when the logic of capitalism was still widely viewed as a sensible and workable basis for our fleshy human lives. But his idle ruminations as to the orderedness of his capital and of his relations with his friends, associates, peers and family compatriots were to be interrupted by the sounds of crying emanating like some sort of a sad gas from the slightly-open door of his teenage daughter’s room. He went in to console her and to restore order.
HERBERTIO KNIFE: What ever is the problem, O Daughter of mine? When you were born, you looked so happy and laughed so gaily – it is why your mother and I chose the name that we did for you. What is it that makes you cry now?
KRISS AKABUSI KNIFE: Oh, dad. It’s just prom is in four days, and I really want to ask out the quarterback out as my date. But I bet all the more attractive girls will ask him out instead.
HERBERTIO KNIFE: Oh, is this the problem? You have no need to worry! This… quarterback you speak of. Surely all these other girls will shun him for his freakishly having only a quarter of a spine! Why, the very visage is enough to make me wretch up the pork dinner your mother so lovingly prepared! Ask him out, I can guarantee that he will say yes!
KRISS AKABUSI KNIFE: Dad, you don’t understand! A quarterback is a member of the school American football team. He’s the main one in it and I think he scores the goals or something
HERBERTIO KNIFE: Oh I see. What was your problem again? I’ll be honest, I’ve made this far longer than the original joke actually justified
KRISS AKABUSI KNIFE: I didn’t understand the last bit of what you said, but my problem is that I am insecure about my appearance and am worried that the quarterback won’t want me to accompany him to the prom
HERBERTIO KNIFE: (looks his daughter in the eyes with a look of sincerity) Now you listen to me (tears are welling up as he knows already that this will be a crucial shared memory within this whole parent-daughter relationship thing: a formative moment where important lessons are learned back to which future happiness and prosperity can be traced)… Kriss Akabusi.
KRISS AKABUSI KNIFE: (tears welling up also, for similar reasons but also because - like all teenage girls - she has many artefacts of her teenage obsessions and passions in her room, and her main ones just so happen to be onions and to a lesser extent tear gas) What is it, dad?
HERBERTIO KNIFE: Will you look after my dog? (he sniffs some crying back up his nose) Just – just for thirty seconds.
Both break down in a profound catharsis