I tried to write a long play but the whole “being-a-mega-capitalist-narcissistic-watching-out-for-number-one-arsehole-and-having-the-audacity-to-present-the-brazen-shallowness-of-this-philosophy-as-in-some-way-transcendent-or-enlightened-as-a-means-of-vindicating-how-shit-and-deliberately-devoid-of-any-thought-or-real-genuine-questioning-or-self-questioning-it-blatantly-and-shamelessly-is” thing irked me so much
MARLON: Ah, but M-B, when great art is silenced, is this not an admission of defeat
ROSCOE: Well Marlon-
M-B: Shut up Roscoe, I’ll field this one. In fact I’ll one-up him by pulling said long play straight out of my shapely behind and away we go
MICHAEL DOUGLAS FROM THE FILM WALL STREET WHICH BY THE WAY I HAVEN’T SEEN AND HONESTLY I DON’T EVEN KNOW IF IT’S CALLED WALL STREET NOW I THINK ABOUT IT (HEREBY REFERRED TO AS MIKE DOUGIE) enters and talks to his wife who I’ll assume - for aforementioned reasons - was played in the film Wall Street by Patricia Routledge
MIKE DOUGIE: Good morning dear wife
PATRICIA ROUTLEDGE: Oh hell-o RI-CHARD. Have you been an irredeemable embodiment of the economic infrastructures and norms of the 1980s that have led us to this peculiar moment at which we can no longer see beyond the restrictive logic of capital and profit and find ourselves drawn ever closer towards doom on a conveyor belt out of our individual control and yet powered by our implicit complicity in this ideology
MIKE DOUGIE: Probably
he sits down
MIKE DOUGIE: Oh wait no because look at my social media, I have turned my former shallow consumption and materialism in a deep and philosophical life of carefully considered wealth and property curation
PATRICIA ROUTLEDGE: What is the diff’rence, Ri-CHARD
MIKE DOUGIE: Now I share inspirational quotes that I came up with myself with a picture of Ecco the cocking Dolphin on it and talk about how much I aspire to help the world by being an entrepreneur with no self-awareness whose business is seemingly to scam fellow entrepreneurs with no self-awareness while being unaware that I’m even scamming them because I’m so immersed in this bullshit pseudo-utopian donkey vomit
PATRICIA ROUTLEDGE: Oh good by the way it’s night time now
MIKE DOUGIE: Right time to go to bed.
MIKE DOUGIE goes upstairs and puts his night cap on.
MIKE DOUGIE: Hmm. I cannot sleep. Ah! I need to tell my friend who was in the film ‘Wall Street’ and was I’ll assume played by (remember I haven’t seen ‘Wall Street’) Stephen Mulhern that I actually think he’s really rubbish AND I’M ONLY BEING HONEST BECAUSE HONESTY IS IMPORTANT FOR MY WELLBEING AND THEREFORE THE WELLBEING OF EVERYONE ELSE BECAUSE I READ A FIVE STAR AMAZON REVIEW OF ATLAS SHRUGGED AND IT SOUNDS LIKE THE SORT OF BOOK I’D LIKE IF I HAD THE TIME TO FIT READING INTO MY BUSY LIFESTYLE OF RIGOROUS RELAXATION AND BRAND MANAGEMENT
MIKE DOUGIE picks up the phone
MIKE DOUGIE: But wait, I recommended that Stephen Mulhern follow my philosophy for a better life (and received full and prompt payment for my services). So my honesty will just bounce off him because he won’t accept any criticism whatsoever and will insist that he and only he is right. SO HOW CAN I BE THE CHANGE I WANT TO MAKE IN THE WORLD?!!>>!?!??!?! (snaps fingers and sings that he will consult his wife)
MIKE DOUGIE runs downstairs to find everything has been re-possessed and that PATRICIA ROUTLEDGE is standing in the empty kitchen using the spectre of a juicer to make the ghost of ethical fruit drinks
MIKE DOUGIE: What happened?!!
PATRICIA ROUTLEDGE: It turns out booking multiple yoga lessons for every single day is a really bad advice if you want to amass wealth Ri-CHARD
MIKE DOUGIE: No my philosophy is in tatters and I have been led to non-sociopathic levels of self-question. I suppose the only thing left to do is to murder everyone in the whole world