Terrible things people post on social media


#1503

MEGATWAT


#1504

unemployed*


#1505
  • I watch a minimum of 5 football matches a week on TV, and 7 hours straight of NFL on a Sunday.
  • My crisp intake is truly heroic.
  • I won’t hug anyone unless I am related to them, because I am English and a man.
  • I play football on a Tuesday, and am always the slowest player on the pitch.
  • I sing to the cat, I doubt he cares.
  • I get out of bed every day.
  • I own a car because I need to go to different places, such as work, which I do because I need money for food and shelter.
  • And so on.

Everyone should do these, it’s quite enlightening.


#1506

I tried to write a long play but the whole “being-a-mega-capitalist-narcissistic-watching-out-for-number-one-arsehole-and-having-the-audacity-to-present-the-brazen-shallowness-of-this-philosophy-as-in-some-way-transcendent-or-enlightened-as-a-means-of-vindicating-how-shit-and-deliberately-devoid-of-any-thought-or-real-genuine-questioning-or-self-questioning-it-blatantly-and-shamelessly-is” thing irked me so much

MARLON: Ah, but M-B, when great art is silenced, is this not an admission of defeat

ROSCOE: Well Marlon-

M-B: Shut up Roscoe, I’ll field this one. In fact I’ll one-up him by pulling said long play straight out of my shapely behind and away we go

(curtains rise)

MICHAEL DOUGLAS FROM THE FILM WALL STREET WHICH BY THE WAY I HAVEN’T SEEN AND HONESTLY I DON’T EVEN KNOW IF IT’S CALLED WALL STREET NOW I THINK ABOUT IT (HEREBY REFERRED TO AS MIKE DOUGIE) enters and talks to his wife who I’ll assume - for aforementioned reasons - was played in the film Wall Street by Patricia Routledge

MIKE DOUGIE: Good morning dear wife

PATRICIA ROUTLEDGE: Oh hell-o RI-CHARD. Have you been an irredeemable embodiment of the economic infrastructures and norms of the 1980s that have led us to this peculiar moment at which we can no longer see beyond the restrictive logic of capital and profit and find ourselves drawn ever closer towards doom on a conveyor belt out of our individual control and yet powered by our implicit complicity in this ideology

MIKE DOUGIE: Probably

he sits down

MIKE DOUGIE: Oh wait no because look at my social media, I have turned my former shallow consumption and materialism in a deep and philosophical life of carefully considered wealth and property curation

PATRICIA ROUTLEDGE: What is the diff’rence, Ri-CHARD

MIKE DOUGIE: Now I share inspirational quotes that I came up with myself with a picture of Ecco the cocking Dolphin on it and talk about how much I aspire to help the world by being an entrepreneur with no self-awareness whose business is seemingly to scam fellow entrepreneurs with no self-awareness while being unaware that I’m even scamming them because I’m so immersed in this bullshit pseudo-utopian donkey vomit

PATRICIA ROUTLEDGE: Oh good by the way it’s night time now

MIKE DOUGIE: Right time to go to bed.

MIKE DOUGIE goes upstairs and puts his night cap on.

MIKE DOUGIE: Hmm. I cannot sleep. Ah! I need to tell my friend who was in the film ‘Wall Street’ and was I’ll assume played by (remember I haven’t seen ‘Wall Street’) Stephen Mulhern that I actually think he’s really rubbish AND I’M ONLY BEING HONEST BECAUSE HONESTY IS IMPORTANT FOR MY WELLBEING AND THEREFORE THE WELLBEING OF EVERYONE ELSE BECAUSE I READ A FIVE STAR AMAZON REVIEW OF ATLAS SHRUGGED AND IT SOUNDS LIKE THE SORT OF BOOK I’D LIKE IF I HAD THE TIME TO FIT READING INTO MY BUSY LIFESTYLE OF RIGOROUS RELAXATION AND BRAND MANAGEMENT

MIKE DOUGIE picks up the phone

MIKE DOUGIE: But wait, I recommended that Stephen Mulhern follow my philosophy for a better life (and received full and prompt payment for my services). So my honesty will just bounce off him because he won’t accept any criticism whatsoever and will insist that he and only he is right. SO HOW CAN I BE THE CHANGE I WANT TO MAKE IN THE WORLD?!!>>!?!??!?! (snaps fingers and sings that he will consult his wife)

MIKE DOUGIE runs downstairs to find everything has been re-possessed and that PATRICIA ROUTLEDGE is standing in the empty kitchen using the spectre of a juicer to make the ghost of ethical fruit drinks

MIKE DOUGIE: What happened?!!

PATRICIA ROUTLEDGE: It turns out booking multiple yoga lessons for every single day is a really bad advice if you want to amass wealth Ri-CHARD

MIKE DOUGIE: No my philosophy is in tatters and I have been led to non-sociopathic levels of self-question. I suppose the only thing left to do is to murder everyone in the whole world


#1507

HEALTH:

  • I go to a minimum of 2 to 3 yoga classes a week.

Well done. 3 yoga classes = 3 mindfulness

  • I don’t own a microwave.

You’ve inspired me. When i get home i’m going to throw away my kettle.

  • I don’t eat colourings or preservatives.

You eat sauerkraut m9

  • I don’t drink tap water and only high quality filtered or bottled water.

Well done you’re destroying the planet.

  • I buy organic whenever possible.

No consensus on weather organic is always more nutritous or better for the environment

  • I eat raw sauerkraut every week.

Bit weird

  • I have a smoothie for every breakfast with banana, avocado, raw cacao nibs, maca powder, hemp protein powder, spirulina powder, mixed nuts, mixed seeds and goji berries.

Depressing

  • I spend more money on self-development and learning than I do on holidays.

Travel broadens the mind

  • I only spend time with people who are committed to being financially wealthy and who actually take actions to be so.

Tory

  • I don’t let anyone else’s opinion steer me from finding ways of making huge sums of money from doing things that are nothing but fun.

Not sure what this means

  • I don’t own a car. Instead, I travel and love Air B&B’s.

I travel boy.

  • I don’t buy ‘stuff’ and live as minimal as I can.

Make your farm slurry smoothie with whittling wood everyday?

QUALITY OF LIFE:

  • Whatever activity or person I choose them or it 100% or not at all.

I send you premium, answer question 100%!

  • I tidy everything as I go and make my bed every morning so whenever I look around me everything is a celebration of the material items and spaces I own.

Though you didn’t buy ‘stuff’

  • I deeply cuddle every one I meet if I sense they are open to it.

Creepy. Insincere.

  • I’m always looking for who needs help and how I can serve someone to elevate the quality of their life.

Wash the feet of a beggar.

  • I get out of bed every day expecting I have the ability to create the best day of my life every day.

Except on wednesdays when i get etc etc…


#1508

presumably he’s talking about mr schindler, the lift man?


#1509

good stuff but

hmm


#1510

That’s what I’m led to believe but happy to be corrected.


#1511

I mean, there is no consensus in the sense that the pesticide industry puts ridiculous money into funding its own “research”, luring people out of academia and producing obviously shonky results, while simultaneously constantly developing new pesticides that are basically the same as the old ones but not in a regulatory sense, so that by the time proper research has been done and regulations imposed there’s new stuff on the market which is not properly tested or regulated, while simultaneously spending loads of money lobbying govts and running smear campaigns on scientists who fly too close to the sun.


#1512

Fucking so irked they’ve called them ‘AirB&Bs’. Like when your nan calls it The Instagram or something.


#1513

I’ve decided my favourite moment of tugging himself off here is “I sleep every night for at least 7 hours and 15 minutes.” Like he’s scientifically calculated the exact amount of sleep you need to be an entrepreneur. Not 8 hours, not 7, 7 hours and 15 minutes. Personally I sleep for 7 hours and 18 minutes, which is 3 better, so up yours.


#1514

it’s a rich vein of self importance isn’t it?


#1515

I can’t get enough of it, frankly. Absolutely made my morning.


#1516

What the


#1517

Someone’s set up a Banksy fan account to churn out sub-Banksy stuff I mean… eh?


#1518

It’s a parody account, I thought.


#1519

I honestly can’t work it out


#1520

Genuinely like this picture


#1521

The dog is happier because aeroplanes.


#1522

Take it to the Mars Volta lyrics thread, pal.