That Dairy Milk advert with the Dad and Daughter at the petrol station kiosk

I’m sure some wanker who lives in Bourneville is sticking his head out of the window, his night cap on holding a candle in a plate and awakened by my rude disdain, and he (yes, of course he’s a man) is saying

“Well, you’re supposed to read between the lines and think about what’s not being said? Perhaps their relationship is strained - maybe they are estranged because the dad had the daughter’s boyfriend whacked by Vito Spatafore in the projects or something - it’s a story”

and what I do is I look up at his smug face, and I absolutely BURY this CAD with some hard logic and I say

“he’d still ask her for mate’s rates regardless of the circumstances you absolute pocketful of daft ham”


One thing I’ve noticed about Great Britain recently is that they sure show a lot of adverts in the pictures

GIRL: You forgot your chocolate

The MAN looks at the lass with a knowing look. It is silently understood that the chocolate is hers - a meagre acknowledgement of her service from a patron. She smiles at this little gesture, particularly in light of how shit her wages are and how her boss is a bellend.

She smiles at the man as he walks towards his car.

The man flashes her one last smile from outside.

THE MAN: Chocolate ain’t really this guy’s deal, little lady – oh noooo

Then he gets the pump and starts emptying it into his mouth.

THE MAN: Mmmmm-hmmm, yummy petrol. There’s no sweeter taste

The girl rushes out

THE GIRL: Sir! That’s not safe, what are you-?

THE MAN: Oh hush, doggy! You never supped of the unleaded teat??

THE GIRL: No I heard it was unsafe

THE MAN: From who? THE FUCKIN MEDIA!?!? - this petrol is some PRIMO SHIT YOU GOTTA TRY SOME

THE GIRL: oh hell you only live once

The girl joins in drinking petrol

THE GIRL: Holy smokes, this is a real taste sensation

fade to purple

Cadbury’s Dairy Milk appears on screen


THE MAN: Can I interest you in a giant Dairy Milk today?

THE GIRL: You can fuck right off and get me a Curly fucking Wurly

VOICE OVER ARTIST Curly Wurly’s - in stores now

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THE MAN is revealed to be Judy Dench but only for a second.

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THE MAN: WHY ARE YOU STILL LOOKING SAD - WE’RE IN A COST OF LIVING CRISIS. I had to remortgage my fuckin house to get you that Dairy Milk

THE GIRL: Meh I wish Cadbury’s would bring back the Spira


THE MAN and THE GIRL march up to Bourneville to storm Cadbury World. Within minutes they’re torn apart by Howitzers

VOICEOVER: Want the Spira back? Fuckin TRY IT


Oh Christ remember that advert she did about saving people money last year. Urghhh

THE MAN: Chocolate is it you fucking peon? Why are you not paying your mortgage and credit cards on a more timely manner?


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Man: Bev!

Woman: Kev!

Woman: Bev!

Man: Kev!

Man: Bev!

Woman: Kev!

VOICEOVER: get yourself a Dairy Milk now you bastards

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did someone say beveragino

Ironman suits form around them both

Aren’t they called Twirls?

VOICEOVER: ooh try new marvellous creations oh look at these whimsical ideas we’ve put dairylea in a fuckin creme egg or some shit whoooaaa crazy

MANCHES DRESSED AS MAX HEADROOM: I’m infiltrating this advert the most marvellous creation of them all was the cadbury’s spi–


Any seasoned veterans of the Napoleonic Wars tuning in tonight will surely recognise the unmistakable sound of a howitzer absolutely fucking up some viscera

I just said Hi-un-dye into the Google audio search and it came back with Hyundai.


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Go to the pictures? Jesus who goes to the movies in 2023 (bar to see dune p2)

I have been 5 times so far in 2023

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That sounds lovely


This post paid for by PROF$.


Those MCU movies look rubbish on a TV.