Yeah the step I always find it uncomfortable to make is from “it is understandable that she behaves like this” to “it is OK that she behaves like this”.
And as I mentioned it really isn’t one specific incident. There have been a few.
It’s a pretty intractable problem to try and disentangle how much of a person’s personality stems from adverse experiences they’ve had from what they’d have been like if they hadn’t had them, and personally I’m not inclined to try.