The junkyard of puns and jokes

eggs

#1

If you’ve ever had a joke or pun but never had the chance to use it, now is your chance. You might as well tell us about it and get something out of it.

I once had a girlfriend (no, honestly) and she told me her dad had bought her a cow stool, to this day I regret not saying to her “why did he buy you a big poo”.

Warren Buffett should’ve done a buffet restaurant, his money will never compensate for that loss.


#2

I launched this funny on Instagram and Twitter and got zero likes, so I will try it here instead

I posted a picture of this Chinese takeaway

and commented

“Shouldn’t it be called The Two Jakes”


#3

I liked it because I get the reference.


#4

no one could ever really come up with a decent feed line for “coffee and a naan”

something about the cafeteria at the UN? definitely feels like it can be done


#5

Stewart Lee did that a few years ago


#6

similarly tried posting this once saying it was also known as “the lonely shepherd” which i thought was hilarious

…tumbleweeds


#7

i liked it because it was a post in my thread


#8

*waits patiently*


#9

I’d just say ‘Wan Lam Thank you Mam’ every time I was served my Chinese or English Carry Out Meal to rapturous applause and laughter.


#10

I want someone to make a joke about their steak, perhaps in a Harvester, just so I can say…

‘Oh, a steak joke. That’s a rare medium. Well done.’


#11

oof I like that, I like that a lot


#12

On old dis I once posted a link to a map showing a pub called the Prince Albert on a street called Bellenden Rd. Got a few thises I think but probably derserved more


#13

why, was it a famous pub?


#14

I have been waiting an eternity for Chelsea midfielder Willian to score an equaliser in a game, only for the other team to run riot and give the goal consolation status. In such cases I would expect a newspaper to go with the headline “Willian, it was really nothing”. Alas, this has not happened.


#15

In our pub a lady asked me once if our “apple juice was pressed.” I said no, it was de-pressed because everyone always bought orange juice instead. She didn’t get it.


#16

Similarly I’ve been waiting for Victor Moses to ‘part the red sea’, potentially running past the whole of Liverpool or something.

Nothing to date.

Other potential headlines:

Not too Xabi
Barkley’s Premier League
Rojo’s Modern Life

edit: Also for Aaron Ramsey to score an own goal against Spurs –
RAMSEY’S TREAT FOR NEIGHBOURS


#17

I had an FM save many moons ago with a midfielder called Mozart - can’t remember which team.

Anyway, in my mind there were plenty of ‘Mozart pulling the strings in midfield’ / ‘another virtuoso display by Mozart’ / ‘Mozart composed himself before delivering the set-piece’ etc.


#18

On DiS 2.0 I posted a thread called “General Erection Thread” as a pun against the behemoth that is the General Election Thread.

0 replies! Fucking zero!

I even posted a pic of a rather large building shaped like a cock.


#19

Revive it on June 8th, I reckon


#20

Dunno. My feelings took a big hit. Understandable after a zero replies thread, I guess.