The junkyard of puns and jokes

If you’ve ever had a joke or pun but never had the chance to use it, now is your chance. You might as well tell us about it and get something out of it.

I once had a girlfriend (no, honestly) and she told me her dad had bought her a cow stool, to this day I regret not saying to her “why did he buy you a big poo”.

Warren Buffett should’ve done a buffet restaurant, his money will never compensate for that loss.

I launched this funny on Instagram and Twitter and got zero likes, so I will try it here instead

I posted a picture of this Chinese takeaway

and commented

“Shouldn’t it be called The Two Jakes”


I liked it because I get the reference.

1 Like

no one could ever really come up with a decent feed line for “coffee and a naan”

something about the cafeteria at the UN? definitely feels like it can be done

Stewart Lee did that a few years ago

similarly tried posting this once saying it was also known as “the lonely shepherd” which i thought was hilarious



i liked it because it was a post in my thread

*waits patiently*

I’d just say ‘Wan Lam Thank you Mam’ every time I was served my Chinese or English Carry Out Meal to rapturous applause and laughter.


I want someone to make a joke about their steak, perhaps in a Harvester, just so I can say…

‘Oh, a steak joke. That’s a rare medium. Well done.’


oof I like that, I like that a lot

On old dis I once posted a link to a map showing a pub called the Prince Albert on a street called Bellenden Rd. Got a few thises I think but probably derserved more

why, was it a famous pub?

1 Like

I have been waiting an eternity for Chelsea midfielder Willian to score an equaliser in a game, only for the other team to run riot and give the goal consolation status. In such cases I would expect a newspaper to go with the headline “Willian, it was really nothing”. Alas, this has not happened.

In our pub a lady asked me once if our “apple juice was pressed.” I said no, it was de-pressed because everyone always bought orange juice instead. She didn’t get it.


Similarly I’ve been waiting for Victor Moses to ‘part the red sea’, potentially running past the whole of Liverpool or something.

Nothing to date.

Other potential headlines:

Not too Xabi
Barkley’s Premier League
Rojo’s Modern Life

edit: Also for Aaron Ramsey to score an own goal against Spurs –


I had an FM save many moons ago with a midfielder called Mozart - can’t remember which team.

Anyway, in my mind there were plenty of ‘Mozart pulling the strings in midfield’ / ‘another virtuoso display by Mozart’ / ‘Mozart composed himself before delivering the set-piece’ etc.

1 Like

On DiS 2.0 I posted a thread called “General Erection Thread” as a pun against the behemoth that is the General Election Thread.

0 replies! Fucking zero!

I even posted a pic of a rather large building shaped like a cock.


Revive it on June 8th, I reckon

Dunno. My feelings took a big hit. Understandable after a zero replies thread, I guess.