The Self Service Checkout Awards 2021

the nominees for the inaugural Self Service Checkout Awards are as follows

  • Aldi
  • Tesco
  • Morrisons
  • M&S
  • Lidl
  • Sainsbury’s
  • ASDA
  • Iceland
  • Coop
  • Waitrose

0 voters

best of luck to all the supermarkets

All of your Tesco points add up!


Any checkout that gives you a fucking video stream of your own depressed face while you’re just trying to buy noodles and veg CAN FUCK THE FUCK OFF


yeah, sainsbury’s will really struggle here

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Lidl had shiny new ones when I was in recently, and they’re probably not any better than the others, but the newness has meant they’ve got my vote.

really enjoy not having to press ‘pay with card’ before paying with card at tescos, but the coop ‘press for receipt’ countdown seals it for me

  • slight covid hesitancy to touch the screen
  • carp dime

0 voters

the new lidl card machines don’t make it clear if you’re good to tap your card. used to just be dark screen then CONTACTLESS SYMBOL with the amount when it was ready, now it’s all cluttered and confusing

it’s different and i don’t like it

It’s that subtext of “We don’t fucking trust you and we’ve got you on camera so no funny stuff, dickhead” that boils my piss.

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The Co-op coin conveyor belt thing makes me nervous.

Not used one in 2021 so I will be abstaining, thanks.

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Oh I like them, you can just throw all your loose change in and let it do the work


My vote is based entirely upon capacity to capture and enact clearance items

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Whenever I use one in a smaller shop that has a security guard nearby, I feel that I absolutely must smile at them on the way out to make it abundantly clear that I am in no way the sort of person who would try and steal things by fooling the machine.

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I look them dead in the eye weighing everything as loose onions


different celebrity voices for them like what people did with their car GPSs the first year they came out

  • haha
  • please, please, no

0 voters

I like the express ones at M&S and Tescos(?) where they don’t even bother weighing it. Happily pay the price premium to avoid scales-related issues.

Co-op are pretty good as well.

Most big supermarkets don’t have enough people doing booze checks, and they always feel pretty tight and not too socially distanced which makes me uneasy. Tend to use one of those self-checkout conveyor belts if an option.

I’ve transcended and moved to scan as you shop, so won’t be voting here

Co-op’s are too slow. You have to pause for a couple of seconds between each item.
I’m a busy man, lots to do, let’s fucking go, on y va!

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It’d just be Ant and/or Dec, except Waitrose, which would be Nigella.