I’m sort of trapped in the kitchen for 30 mins due to dinner heating up and my housemate’s Christian study group blockading my access to my room, plus the thread’s on 169 replies which is a sign, sooo…
In my favourite Lincolnshire based Travelodge earlier this year, my ex and I were looking after my friend, who had overindulged on the ol vodka. I let her vomit in my bathroom toilet, but needed to use the facilities myself, so went to the room a group of us were playing (mostly non-sexual) games in to relieve myself. Upon returning to my room, I found my friend purposefully storming up the corridor with a free t-shirt I had won in one hand, and a small orange bag in the other hand. I do not know how she found the orange bag as it was not out in the open, so she must have found it and randomly picked it up.
I asked her what her room number was, and she proudly told me it was room 1 - then proceeded to try and break into room 101. (She has a maths degree from Oxford.) I guided her to the correct room - downstairs - and took the items she had nicked from my room away from her. At this point, the man who is by far the closest to what I’m seeking in a life partner appeared, heading towards his hotel room. I shut my friend in her room.
Now, this guy is in his 40s and has been in a relationship with his partner since I was in primary school. (Fun fact: he briefly used to post on DiS in the early days.) We had become friends in the past 18 months and I’d developed an exceptionally strong crush on him (we are extremely similar in many ways, and I’ve always wanted to fancy a mentally sound version of myself…) - so had become quite flirty with him and he had reciprocated. But it had recently amped up quite a bit to the point of - without anything happening - it crossing a line a bit. So I wanted to clear the air and clarify that I didn’t want the friendship to be jeopardised by doing anything stupid and I wasn’t going to try anything.
So I started (quite tipsily) saying this, and at first it looked like it was going to be a disaster. But we continued the convo in his room (not in a weird way, just because we were getting hassled by Countdowners in the corridor and it was 2am) and had a really nice chat about it and then a more general chat about life. It was really lovely.
However, at about 3:45am, my foot nudged the orange bag by accident… and the orange bag began to buzz.
I put my foot on it in the hopes of muffling it so that he would not hear it. Reader, he heard it.
We had a moment of agonising eye contact and I garbled, “Oh my god, I’m so sorry, (friend) brought it out of my room…” and he started cracking up as I wanted the ground to SWALLOW ME UP. For my entire life I have not believed I could blush. Turns out I can; he told me I had gone bright red.
After a few minutes of paralysis through awkwardness, I had to do something about the buzzing but I didn’t want to just PULL OUT MY VIBRATOR IN FRONT OF HIM so I squeaked “CAN YOU PUT YOUR FINGERS IN YOUR EARS” (???) which he did and then I COULDN’T FIND IT IN THE BAG EVEN THOUGH IT IS THE EASIEST THING TO FIND IN THERE and there was this awful fumbling while he was trying not to laugh and eventually, EVENTUALLY I found the on/off switch without taking it out of the bag.
There was a terrible silence and he made some bee jokes about the buzzing but I was like “IT’S TOO SOON, CAN WE NEVER DISCUSS THIS EVER AGAIN” and literally wanted to die but he was really nice about it.
THAT is my vibrator story so the moral of the story is don’t let your friend vomit in your hotel room if you have a bag of sex toys in there. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.