Things to remember if you go on Pointless

  • They hate it if you say something/a category is before your time

Say more.


Make up some hobbies or interesting things you do and flesh out the back story, because by God you’re going to be grilled about them.


if you get to the final, you can make up any old guff about what you’d do with the money cause you will always get the response of ‘oh that’s fantastic’

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The periodic table.


The answer is nearly always: Central African Republic


Salford is a city.

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I like the ones like that and Tuvalu that have actually become (relatively) high scorers because of what cliche good Pointless answers they are


There is a football team called Brechin City. However Brechin is NOT a city.

Put your trousers on over your underpants.


bottle Osman if you get the chance


Hi Alexander I wank off dogs on the internet because I’m being blackmailed by criminals

That’s fun


learn the northern irish cities


That Richard Osman most probably has a large meaty cock


Didn’t St Patrick chase them all out?

Remember to smash it like you do when answering the questions at home. (Got five pointless answers in two rounds earlier.)


Don’t forget that Ben Miller and Alexander Armstrong used to be a comedy duo.

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Don’t ask if you can ‘plead the fifth’ in response to each question. It won’t get you anywhere

Best ever performance in the final was two pointless and a one pointer. Category was Top 40 singles by (or featuring) Björk.

Pagan Poetry
Play Dead
Big Time Sensuality

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As stress relief, or because the criminals are making you?


No red line for you you’re already through.

Oh no! Which means we have to say goodbye to Izzy and Matthew I’m so sorry it’s been lovely having you here.

Let’s see how many of our one hundred people said Creedance Clearwater Revival… It’s right! And you’ve gone past your red line so go through to the next round… down to 40 now…down into single figures is it going to be! 4. Great answer! Richard: Yes brilliant answer, that’s the American rock band from the late 60s early 70s. Very well done if you said that at home.

Richard: I think we should all have a cake named after us. Wouldn’t that be great? Xander: Yeahhh. Absolutely. Why not? Thank you Richard. Now, Barry. What have you got for us? Well unfortunately the answer I was going to give has already gone so I’m going to play it safe and say Barack Obama. Barack Obama says Barry, let’s see how many of our 100 people said Barack Obama.

You’ll be playing for today’s jackpot of £2000. Chris, what would you spend the money on if you were to win today’s jackpot? Well my wife’s been banging on at me for what must be the last three years or so now to buy a fucking caravan. So I’d probably invest in a load of old oil paints and paint the shed bright fuckin’ pink.