Alan Partridge
What I want to ask you is, and this a question I’ve been dying to ask you, if you were stuck in a lift, what, what one book would you have with you?
Lawrence Camley
Well, I would actually choose for sheer bloody-minded entertainment value, I would be stuck in a lift with “The Hound Of The Baskervilles”.
Alan
I don’t believe it, Sherlock Holmes. Now you’re making sense. I am his Number One fan. I’ve read all his books.
Lawrence
Yes, I’ve read them.
Alan
I’ve read all of them. Have you read all of them?
Lawrence
Probably not all of them.
Alan
I’ve read all of them. Read all of them. I love Sherlock Holmes. I’ve got all his books, leather-bound. What I thought was great about Sherlock Holmes was that not only was he, er, a supersleuth, he was also a hard worker. 'Cause, not only did he go out and solve the crimes, he came home and wrote it all down. Fantastic. That, that’s why I admire him.
Lawrence
Yes. I’ve always thought it was a shame that Conan Doyle had to kill him off.
Alan
No, I think you’ll find it was Moriarty that killed him.
Lawrence
Yes, I know, but ultimately of course it was Conan Doyle.
Alan
No, it was Moriary, it was definitely…
Lawrence
Yes, I know, in the books it was Moriarty, but of course the ultimate responsibility was Conan Doyle’s.
Alan
Yep, hang on. As far as I know, Moriarty acted alone. Or did he? This is interesting. You, you think that there was some sort of conspiracy involving this shadowy Doyle figure? All right, OK, fair enough. Who solved all the cases?
Lawrence
Sherlock Holmes.
Alan
Exactly.
Lawrence
Yes, but, the cases were fictional too, it’s all make-believe.
Alan
All right. Who lived on Baker Street?
Lawrence
I don’t know.
Alan
Moriarty?
Lawrence
No!
Alan
Did the, did the Doyle live there?
Lawrence
The Doyle, the Dail is the Irish Parliament.
Alan
The Irish Parliament! This conspiracy’s getting bigger. You can’t trust anyone these days. You’ve got the Doyle, Moriarty, the Irish Parliament, it’s… On that bombshell, I think we’ll move on.
Lawrence
No, no, no. I’m sorry Alan, I, I, I’d like to let this go, but, hah, I really can’t. Sherlock Holmes did not exist.
Alan
He did.
Lawrence
Look. If he had existed, how would he have be able to describe in intimate detail the circumstances of his own death?
Alan
Um. The Nobel Prize for Literature. You never won it. What went wrong?