Things you were/are too scared to tell your parents

Keep it as light as you like.

Once swallowed some chewing gum Id been given by my brother and I wasnt allowed chewing gum as I was told it’d kill me if I swallowed it, so I sat on the back door step for a few hours saying my goodbyes to the world.

I smashed my grandmas retirement present LITERALLY the day she got it (it was a stone bird bath, very nice too) and I thought my grandad would kill me but he just went to get some araldite and showed me how it stuck even stone back together

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That calls are coming from inside the house

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nice try, mum

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My voice dropped quite early, and whenever I answered the phone people thought I was my Dad.

So it gave me the idea to ring up school in the morning, pretend to be my Dad, and tell them I was too ill to go in. Then I’d get ready very slowly, so that my parents left the house after me. Once they were out the door I’d stay in and play videogames non-stop. Those were some damn great days

I didn’t do it that often, and can’t remember why I stopped, but I think if they found out it would have been goodnight Vienna from me.

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Oh God, I just remembered…

About ten years ago, after I’d finished uni, I was living at home with my parents. I was trying to look for work, and was finding the whole thing very dispiriting. I’d applied for loads of jobs and had no success. After I failed to get one particular job, which I’d worked really hard on and failed the interview, my mum decided to cheer me up with a present.

She bought me an amazing hybrid bicycle. Very expensive and chic. I can’t have been a week after she’d bought it, I went to the train station and locked it there overnight. When I came back the next day, I found out it had been nicked and there was nothing that could be done.

I still remember trying my utmost to avoid telling my mum why the bike wasn’t in the garage where she parked her car everyday. It still makes me cringe…

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I smashed a pane of glass in my bedroom by trying to kill a fly on it. Massively lucky I didn’t cut my wrist open TBH.

Anyway, I tried to claim to my mum I really liked keeping the curtains closed on that window in the daylight. Didn’t last long.

I actually was watching soft porn on channel 5 most Friday nights

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Remote had a handy little button called “Zap” that flicked over to the last channel you were watching so I set it to BBC 2 so if she came past it’d look like I was watching something on there.

Thinking back I could have just pressed the button on the remote that said “2”

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Maybe the 2 didn’t work as it was sodden with jizz?

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my mate was regaling us recently with how in his teenage bedroom he had a TV situated on the other side of the room to his bed but no remote, so he’d often have to danger wank to Channel 5 whilst holding a pool cue in his other hand so he could use it to quickly change the channel if one of his parents was coming up the stairs

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Imagine if he was discovered!

would be banned from watching big break for starters

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There was always the risk of changing over to Eurotrash though and it being something even more depraved

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Yes, even more depraved than Emanuelle in Space

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Think my parents still don’t know that I have some tattoos

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I wasn’t allowed to play football indoors - even though the walkthrough between the dining room and the front room was perfectly goal shaped - so when I kicked the sponge tennis ball into mum’s plant and it broke the leaf perfectly across along a vein, I was in trouble. Until I realised I could sellotape the leaf back together. Postponed the inevitable telling-off for a fortnight, until she figured out why the back half of the leaf looked healthy while the front half was dead.

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I left the door to my flat open (as in not even shut over) for days on end because I went to a party and straight from there to my mum and dad’s house, and so didn’t discover for several days that I’d been broken into. They stole all sorts of random stuff (and also a fairly new watch that my parents had got me for xmas and an ipad.) My mum keeps asking me why I don’t wear the watch and I keep making excuses. This was like 6 years ago or something and I still can’t bring myself to admit the stupidity and carelessness.

Well… duh!

I did exactly the same as this (playing illegal indoor football) except I knocked a picture off of the wall which hit my parents new TV stand and chipped a chunk out of it. Tried to stick it back on with pritt stick which, funnily enough, didn’t really work as my Dad notice it a couple of hours later. I still think it’s my parents fault for hanging a picture right next to the top corner of the goal.