Things you were told never to do


and haven’t done. Like a sheep. Baaaaaa.


I’ve never done a sheep


Drugs. Well, the majority of them.


And I’ve never skipped a level crossing.


use the toilet after my mum had cleaned it with domestos


In primary one I dropped my pencil and it rolled to underneath where a girl was standing. I crawled over to pick it up.

I was immediately hauled to my feet and screamed at to never, EVER do that again, EVER!

Took me years to realise the teacher thought I was looking to the girl’s skirt.


Touched an exhaust pipe




Who told you? Your dad?

“son, promise me you’ll never slip your length into a sheep”


*looking up. Christ.


And hence the name pencil dick stuck for life.


were you there???


Stick my fingers in a plug socket.
Run with scissors.


Real potential for a My Cousin Vinny-style mistaken confession in the head teacher’s office in this scenario.


see also, don’t touch anything elctrical with wet hands