Thread for people who don’t want kids, general discussion #SSP

#1

Yo this is going to need a fair whack of nuance I think so:

  1. No assumptions about why this is the case unless it’s offered up, be mindful.

  2. If you’re on the fence about having kids, or one half of a couple that’s split in its intentions, this is also the place to chat, but again be mindful.

  3. If you DO have kids browse at your own risk: this thread is absolutely not suggesting anything negative about your own choices on any level. That said, if anything goes that way I’ll obviously get posts removed.

Alright so to start then, I’m 34 and my wife is 30. Since we met seven years ago, life has gotten noticeably better year on year, has brought a lot of positive change, and has basically been a dream.

We check in with each other about once a year to see if there’s any urge or broody sentiment to add a baby to the mix, and so far there’s nothing there: we think about the life we’re privileged to live and would rather continue to enjoy that for now. Fwiw i feel confident saying that if she or I did want kids, the other would go for it. It’s not that a baby would would ruin our lives, then, just that given the option of what we have or making concessions, we currently both feel ‘what we have’ is the raddest of options.

One thing in the back of our minds is that irrational fear that one of us or both will suddenly panic when it’s ‘too late’. In my head, and without any research, I would assume adoption would be an option. This wouldn’t be a problem to either of us as both our families have experience with adopted children and fostering now.

But it feels like a vague plan because honestly the need isn’t there. On the other hand, I tend to plan ahead to try and cut off problems at the pass, so talking about this helps quite a lot. Anyone else wonder if they need a ‘what if’ contingency and would it even be feasible?

Do your folks care? Do they know? Does it matter?

Anyway I’ll throw this open to you guys: you can be as open about your reasons as you want and if you say something and then think better of it we can get a mod to disappear it.

Cheers dis, feels good to be open about this shit with you lot. OH AND this ain’t just for couples, obviously.

15 Likes
#2

I’m too selfish a person to have kids

8 Likes
#3

Do you think that’s what it boils down to for you as the specific factor? Selfish in the sense that it would mean too much compromise or something else? I know some people who say the same but is it actually selfish to not have a child?

#4

Fwiw i feel confident saying that if she or I did want kids, the other would go for it.

I mean that was probably me for a long time. I recall my mate who had a kid saying how much good stuff there was in the process and that made me feel more confident about the idea of having kids. Those Duncan Jones Tweets on it were about right though: lots of good stuff about having and lots of times they just exhaust, depress and frustrate you.

People can change a lot over 10 years (I certainly did) and I think you’re both still very young in the grand scheme of educated, middle-class (right?) couples thinking about having kids these days.

1 Like
#5

This is actual quite a handy thread for me as I would really, really love to have kids but it’s an impossibility. So if you could all drop some really persuasive arguments as to why not having kids is great then that would be ace.

2 Likes
#6

My mum asked, because it came up when my sister got pregnant and then very pointedly when I ended a long term relationship because she wanted kids and I don’t.

My stock answer used to be “I don’t want them now, but who knows how I’ll feel in 5/10 years?” but… I mean, never say never, but having nieces has just solidified for me that I don’t ever want to be a parent. I love them more than I thought possible, I wish I saw them more, they’re the source of my happiest memories, but I don’t want that life.

My partner was more undecided when we met (she was only in her mid-20s at the time) but is now also strongly against. There are also medical reasons now that would make things difficult, but that’s secondary to the lack of desire in the first place.

It would be a deal breaker for both of us if either changed our mind. Having been through that once, it’s absolutely heartbreaking, but there’s no compromise to be had there.

2 Likes
#7

Extremely respectfully coz I like you a lot, this isn’t a phase. One of the trickiest things about airing what I have is that there’s a general parental tendency to say ‘ah you’ll know when you know’. Or ‘I didn’t want kids but then’.

This thread is coz I’m pretty sure I do know. If you asked what percentage we wanted kids right now it would be 0%. For good, healthy reasons.

Again trying to be as honest and amiable as I can here

2 Likes
#8

There are definitely benefits to having kids, there are definitely benefits to not. Financially you’re safer and more able to do things that keep you happy without making as many concessions, less risk to health and mental health (there are obv mental health benefits to having children if it goes well too though).

#9

I say luckily… but… my parents are dead so no pressure from them to have them. hers though. desperate for us to have them :unamused:

1 Like
#10

Thinking of getting a vasectomy. My partner* uses hormonal contraception and while that works well for her now, I’m very aware that she has a chronic illness and her treatment needs can change over time and that seems like something I should do to help.

*feel using “we” here is a bit presumptuous since I do fuck all

3 Likes
#11

Is it a thing you can eventually see easing off? My mum is a militant feminist and would rather die than convince A to have kids so we’re lucky

1 Like
#12

Oh sure, sorry, didn’t mean to be like that. Was just sharing in general based on that comment, which rang very true for me and a bunch of couples I know, some of whom now have kids in their 40s.

2 Likes
#13

Mate can I just immediately say I appreciate how open you’re being about all this. It’s a huge relief to read.

1 Like
#14

Don’t think they’re kids any more at that age tbh

6 Likes
#15

Tbh I don’t actually have the financial benefits because I decided to get a dog in place of a child and they’re bloody expensive :man_facepalming:

6 Likes
#16

Any excuse to talk about my sex life, you know that.

1 Like
#17

tbf its all aimed at the TV as I think her folks know id be more er forthright with my opinons :sweat_smile:
she handles them well

1 Like
#18

I absolutely understand it was coming from a good place :slight_smile: it’s just the number one response you get from pals if you see what I mean. Which is totally okay but it’s one of the reasons I said in number 3 ‘parents enter at your own risk’ coz this is a different lived experience that’s tough to navigate! :slight_smile:

1 Like
#19

Don’t want to derail too much but after our last cats died in 2009ish I was both very heartbroken but also quite against another cat purely for this very financial reason. It’s depressing how much a bundle of animal love can cost you : (

#20

They don’t draw on shit though so there’s that