Times animals have watched you do embarrassing things

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#1

Not just sex things but I imagine it will mostly be sex things.

A tarantula watched me perform a sex act once and it started running around it’s tank and it was so big and heavy that it sounded like when someone is drumming their fingers on a table. Made me want to vom.

I was throwing up once in my bathroom in one of my old places and my lizard (who was semi free range) wandered in to check up on me and crawled up my back to sit on my shoulder and I had to pick him off and sternly say “not NOW!”

Bought a McDonald’s breakfast at 5am on the way home from a night out and was sitting on a big stone grave (the ones that are above ground, so more of a tomb maybe?) and I was chatting away to some pigeons saying “you can have some of the muffin but you’re not having any of the hash brown.” People were also walking past, to like… go to work and stuff, but there was this one pigeon that I was hand feeding and he kept giving me these big eyes and it made me well up cause it was judging me. Not so much embarrassing, more of a low point, cause as I was walking off I looked back at it and he was eating a pile of (not my) sick and I was like… okay, and you’re above me are you?

Hbu?

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#2

Did your lawyer write this?

(What was the act you coward)

#3

Yes, and I’ve been advised not to give any further details without him present.

Blozza

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#4

I had a one night stand in Berlin once. She had a studio apartment and a small, excitable dog.

We started doing things and the dog kept jumping on the bed and trying to get pet as she was giving me a ‘blozza’ (as you so eloquently put it).

She was firm but fair with or and he went over to his bed and we carried on.

Then we carried on and she was on top and having a lovely time. Next thing I know I am getting some extra attention to my giggleberries. Had it been a person, very welcome, but yeah… I thrusted up through shock and horror which then launched my new friend head first in to the wall above the bed.

All was ok and we laughed about it and took a wine break then continued with dog closed in bathroom for the remainder but hearing it whine on the other side of the door was also distracting and the whole thing had just thrown me for a loop to be quite honest.

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#5

i remember being in bed with a girl i was seeing and then suddenly feeling the fur of her cat brushing against my leg, scared me shitless for a second

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#6

The dog closely inspected my taint during marital intimacy a while ago. It was unpleasant.

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#7

If there’s a tarantula in the building it’s just not worth it, even if it’s the most wild sex you’re ever going to get, I’m not entering.

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#8

mr-bean.jpg

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#9

My cats witness every single moment of my shame, and it never dulls their view of me. God love those little buggers.

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#10

cat walked in on me vomiting in my toilet once and licked my hand

Was so sweet but felt so pathetic

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#11

a cat put its face inside my bum

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#12

INSIDE?!

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#13

nose to bum hole

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#14

I mean several horses have watched me injure myself/fall off their backs in stupid and very non gracious ways, and peeing in the woods etc. I’m very thankful that they’re not naturally judgemental types. Will try to think of something proper.

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#15

Good grief.

#16

Motion to have the term ‘blozza’ struck from all records, never to sully these boards again.

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#17

To be honest gnome I completely agree, don’t know what came over me. In the moment I thought it was a less crass way of phrasing it but… yeah.

MOTION PASSED :woman_judge:

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#18

isn’t that how blozzas work?

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#19

In this case the animal is the perpetrator more than the voyeur, but I can’t deny the inner schadenfreude my dad’s dog gets when he pretends to rub his face on my knee out of affection but just wants somewhere to wipe his snot :frowning:

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#20

Whiterussian has just reminded me of Sidney, one of the horses at the riding school I went to as a kid.

We rode through a flooded field, probably nearly a foot of water, and Sidney decided it would be fun to lie down and roll around in it. This meant i had to jump off his back and into the water before I got simultaneously crushed and drowned. Once Sidney had had enough and I was back on his back, i had to take my boots off to pour all the water out of them.

I’m not sure why the instructors continued the ride after a 9 year old had been drenched in the thames, but we carried on, and approximately 10 minutes later, just outside Windsor town centre, Sidney saw a paper bag or a crisp packet or something, decided he didn’t like the look of it and threw me off onto the pavement. Fucking dickhead.

That horse is probably dead now but he’s still my enemy.

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