Tour Guides

Have you ever been a tour guide?

Other questions.


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Thinking of doing it as my next job. Cash in hand obv

One of the greatest tragedies of the 21st Century was when the turned coach trip from mixed ages to Ibizian youth. Fuck that! It was the only decent reality programme out there.

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What would you show people?

Reckon I would be the worst tour guide in history, couldn’t even tell people the name of the road opposite my street.

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I’m going travelling next year so just wherever i am, reckon i could blag it.

India for example “This is the cafe that invented a phaal” and then take a cut from the owner if anyone comes in.

Really doesn’t matter: they all pretty much make stuff up anyway.

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^ see above

oh I’m scared of lying too

Went on a craft beer tour in New York once and everyone on it knew more about beer than the lad doing it, he talked to us about the architecture and history of the east village as we walked about and left us to get on with the beer talk amongst ourselves.

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just tell them that then. REally doesn’t matter.

‘Oh, I’m scared of lying. Look! A house!’

No ones really listening.

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That reminds me of The Divine David hosting a coach of foreign tourists in London on his long gone Channel Four show (which lasted one season) telling them that, “This is the tree that Princess Margaret lives in.”

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I’ve never been on a tour of anywhere, I bet it’s pretty fun actually

only tours I go on are boat trips. Love a holiday boat trip along a canal/river etc

‘This building on your right with the eagle motif is where Greta Garbo stayed after recovering from diphtheria in 1928.’

Is it though? Who cares. takes photo


sometimes it’s nice to have context for stuff.

Imagine going to Rome or something and having someone tell you about the Colosseum or whatever!

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done this: pretty sure I didn’t take any of it in because I was staring at all of the cats

you can get cats in the UK you know?


Oh hi!

Yes, I’m a tour guide. Apart from the fact it’s predominantly middle-aged white men who hate competition and get very nasty and territorial, not to mention steal your research, it’s brilliant.

I do alternative tours. Hate that word, but that’s what they are. Tours of Pomona, a weird industrial wasteland, tours of Chapel Street in Salford looking at it’s counterculture, tours of art hidden in public buildings and offices mostly dating from the 50s/60s, and then my regular route is tours of the Northern Quarter. The latter is a tough one because it doesn’t really feel like there’s much to say except look at all these bars but actually there’s loads, so I use street art to weave the story together but I talk about gentrification, city planning, public vs private space, capitalism, social housing, and how public art transformed an area from the 1970s onwards.

Plus I buy everyone doughnuts.


Friend of mine used to work at one of those open air museums where they have reconstructions of old buildings. Used to make up blatantly untrue stuff like this e.g. “Princess Anne was born in this very room” when showing people around a Medieval farm cottage or whatever.