Transfer deadline day!

I’m reading probable bullshit about a David Luiz - Giroud swap between Arsenal and Chelsea

A Holding, Luiz, Koscielny back three could be wonderful.

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Holding luiz koscielney
Bellerin wilshere xhaka iwobi
Ozil aubameyang mkhitaryan

Wonderfully flaky

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ramsey for hacker, obvs

Xhaka has more comedy value

We’ve extended Mata’s contract so our likeability rating remains intact for another year at least.

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absolute zero?

45/100

I just want to know if I can put Aubameyang in my fantasy football team

Would maybe like if Brighton signed one more player who hasn’t either got an injury or been keeping Leicester’s bench warm for a few seasons

Just seen Riyad Mahrez stocking up on essentials in Booths. Looks like the big move is on!

no one buys their essentials in booths. he’ll learn.

Woah! We’re pipping them to Mahrez as well! (This is a joke about Booths’ geographic proximity to Old Trafford)

Still on your course at the Theatre of Dreams, lad?

Bloody love Juan Mata. What a sparkling human being

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Shame he’s the slowest man on the planet

Holy moly.

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I knew Shaun Wright-Phillips was a 9-figure player

Isn’t Shaun Wright-Phillips’ Dad Ian Wright and his Mum Kevin Phillips? It’s all in the genes.

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Cardiff are signing Gary Madine…